Doctor Grandma

I want to tell you

I want to tell you that you are loved,

I want to tell you to love yourself,

Whatever happened was not your fault,

But the fault of life itself.

Things happen.

You make plans,

Life gets in the way.

This does not mean

That you stop caring,

Or trusting, or connecting,

Or giving, or loving.

But you cannot love

In this condition,

Because your anger fills the room,

And you are afraid to really connect,

Again.

You did that once,

You gave it all,

Never looking in the rear view mirror,

Take a second look,

There are many lives

That are better for your being there,

But you cannot see through all the pain,

— the moat around your castle,

You are loved, right now,

In this very moment,

And there is one

To whom you are the world.

Your healing begins

When you see yourself

As your friends see you tonight,

A person of worth,

A person of caring,

A person loved in his own right,

One whose humor lightens their day,

One whose hands take THEIR pain away,

A bit at a time,

As much as you are able,

Because that is what you are trained to do,

It is you

Who are valued,

As a person, a friend,

As a nurse at a bedside,

And a daddy for life,

Make a turn

toward healing yourself,

Be a friend to yourself this night.

             — cfblack   05-18-2015

Here it comes again, that day

when I never knew what to buy,

because nothing was ever

the right gift,

no matter how I tried,

I stood in front of all the cards,

picked them up one by one,

set them down again,

because the verses were never us,

They never expressed my feelings,

never said it my own way,

and even now………

I just don’t know what to say.

I would be remiss

to not thank you

for the gift of life you gave,

but in the end,

I do believe

the debt was paid.

It’s not that I am bitter,

but I just cannot relate

to the teary-eyed messages

all over Facebook, on this day,

In the end,

I am happy,

for the times that were the best,

In the end,

I saw your strength,

and acceptance,

I have no regrets,

because life is what we make it,

but I tire of this day

and this tradition.

cfblack 05-09-2015

I embrace my mediocrity.

We can’t all be superhuman teachers

who fly around the room to get students’ attention,

have exciting assignments that move like a video,

and teach you nuclear physics.

I do the best I can

with creative power points,

a few interactive games,

and questions.

This is not Dead Poet’s Society.

I am not Robin Williams,

I will not stand on chairs,

reciting Shakespeare,

inspire you to write a masterpiece.

But I know my field,

challenge you to think outside the box,

and I give you my entire heart.

Put that in your student evaluation.

When I was five,

Joey chased me around the yard

with a worm in his hand, to scare me,

We played on the backyard swingset,

I did twirls on the monkey bars,

I was five

my brother 13,

my sister 2 and a half,

My brother took me out for Halloween,

and told me we were lost,

He was lying,

but I spent half the night being scared.

There are many things to be scared of.

Scared of shadows, of thunderstorms,

Scared of strangers, scared of the moon,

Scared of not being good enough,

or of trying something new,

What are you scared of?

What is out there?

Is there a monster in your closet?

Most of the time, our fears are imagined,

Most of the time, they come from within,

Most are forgotten images

come to haunt us now and then,

Courage is not a plateau to reach, or a mountain to be climbed,

Courage is going forward on faith

and trusting the answer you find.

cfblack 04-26-2015, for the 5th anniversary of my husband’s music/poetry venue, “MindGravy”

What shall we dream?

Shall we dream we are young,

ready to start it all over again,

We are teenagers walking

along the White river,

staying up all night,

playing cards with friends,

singing the night away

with Van Morrison,

then setting out

to watch the sun rise?

I step carefully now,

going down the stairs,

as knees cause discomfort

and might give way,

but I used to stretch backwards,

curving my spine,

until my hand met the floor beneath,

then rise straight up to the top again,

a smile upon my face,

Growing older

comes as a sweet surprise,

and you can’t quite imagine

breaking into a run,

but you have to embrace

all the beauty of life,

remember always to laugh

and have fun.

cfblack  04-25-2015

If I make it to 92,

I would want to be in my home,

Watching whatever I want on TV,

Making my own decisions,

Staying in bed if I feel like it,

And eating ice cream.

I would take the meds I need

In order to feel alive,

In order to go where I want to go,

Do what I want to do.

If I feel like painting, I will paint,

If I want to read, I will read,

Decorate my living room

With art that appeals to me.

This being said, I would also hope

That my heart remains always kind,

That I speak with love to family,

Be of service, somehow, to humanity,

I hope that I still play with children,

Taking time to see life as they do,

Be open to others around me,

Make time for friends when they call,

To not become bitter,

To not build walls,

And be willing to learn something new.

cfblack 04-13-15,

            inspired by my 92-yr-old father-in-law’s recent overnight stay in the hospital

Thunder rolls across the sky

in long, low rumbling echoes,

I remember my grandma saying,

“Angels are bowling, one just got a strike,”

I wonder what games the gods are playing

way up high above,

is it dark there, or light?

is it day or is it night?

Are we the pawns for their own game?

will they take us off the board?

and I listen to the rain, falling down,

angel’s tears.

cfblack  04-07-15

I know the Easter bunny is a Pagan thing,

and that Hallmark creates holidays,

I know that Christ was not born in December,

and we don’t need gifts to show love, on birthdays,

But I also know, I had fun with our kids

when we took eggs

and dipped them in dye,

and I walked with them dressed in their little costumes,

when we went out on Halloween night.

For years I bought gifts for your birthday as well,

had the kids pick out something for fun,

but I got tired of seeing my own birthday go by

and there was nothing then done in return,

So it’s very hard being with someone like this,

who is stuck on the history of things,

and sometimes I think you just do things for fun,

relax in the joy that it brings.

         cfblack 04-05-15

My husband makes me coffee,

He leaves at 3am,

When I get up it is cold.

              cfblack, for 4-04-15