Archive for the ‘various personal musings’ Category

For the 250th birthday of these United States of America

July 13, 2026

                250 years ago, a bunch of British, French, German, Dutch, Scots-Irish and other white male slave owners, broke from the English Monarchy and declared themselves a country independent of British rule.

They broke every promise they ever made to Native peoples and upheld slavery of West African peoples for another 87 years, having a Civil War to finally end it. They did not expect their women to vote, own or inherit property, or work outside the home. This new nation THEN created “Separate But (NOT) Equal” in 1896 and laws against interracial marriage for another 71 years. Of course, descendants of the African slaves and many other white and brown-skinned men and women fought to be able to freely vote in Federal elections, until the 19th amendment in 1920, Civil Rights Act of 1964, Voting Rights Act of 1965, and a U.S. Supreme Court case that made same sex marriage legal in 2015.

                Passage of these freedoms or rights came NOT through just protests or civilized consultation but through vicious, incomprehensible attacks of violence on precious lives, among them 14-year-old Emmett Till, tortured, his body thrown in a river, for having the audacity to whistle or flirt in some way with a white woman in a southern grocery store, who then felt compelled to report this to her racist and brutally violent husband and others. There was Denise McNair (11), Addie Mae Collins (14), Carole Robertson (14), and Cynthia Wesley (14), blown apart in a morning church service in Birmingham, Alabama courtesy of the Ku Klux Klan; white Jewish and Black American students murdered for sitting at a lunch counter asking to be served the same as other white people; and countless other named and unnamed souls including babies born to Native American girls subjected to rape after being forcibly taken from their families and placed in schools where they could not speak their Native languages, dress in Native dress, or worship God in their traditional manner.

                Every freedom won came at a cost of precious lives.

                Asian peoples took their cases to the U.S. Supreme Court, to become citizens of this new country at a time when only white Europeans could apply. Mr. Takao Ozawa of Japanese origins, said, “I am as American as any of you,” and argued that Japanese peoples should be considered as “free white citizens”, to which the 1922 Supreme Court replied, “You are not Caucasian.” A year later, Mr. Thindh, a Sikh from India, took his case to the court with a science book that classified Indian peoples from India as Caucasian. Their answer? “Any common man knows what white is, and You. Are. Not. It.” After this decision, a naturalized citizen, Mr. Vaishno Das Bagai, also from India and a prominent early civil rights activist, was stripped of his citizenship. He committed suicide.

And NOW, we come today, 250 years a nation, time for a BIG CELEBRATION.

We are equal under the law, but unequal as we live and practice that law. Native peoples still fight for protection of water and land, and to be known by their own names. Hispanic peoples, legal or not, live in constant FEAR of ICE agents in masks and unmarked cars. Black peoples have come far, but still have lower rates of income, higher rates of poverty, and a legal system that tends to view them as suspect.

Double Consciousness is alive and well. Our leaders are not leaders but chase their own dreams of greed and fight to keep their own crimes out of public eye. They pit us against one another. As long as they keep us DIVIDED, we cannot be UNITED.

                So where do we go from here?

                We fight for justice any way we can,

                We stay connected, come together,

                Check on our neighbors,

                Beg help from our Creator,

We turn our HATRED into LOVE.  

“Where there is hatred, let me sow love” *

And not give in to my despair,

“I have decided to stick with love,

For hate is too great a burden to bear.” **

*prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

** Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  

“Know thyself, and know what leads to loftiness or abasement.”

April 4, 2026

I was a child

who spent time by herself

playing, thinking, creating,

drawing cards, writing poems for family,

arranging my dolls

pretending

sitting in the driveway picking out pretty rocks

riding my bike through the neighborhood

climbing trees,

exploring National Parks

surrounded by family

and just being loved.

It was later in life that I had to learn

to stand up with courage through hard times,

find my strengths, survive trauma,

loss, adversity, disappointment,

learn how to feel my way through the dark,

take steps while blindfolded,

feel my way along the wall

lean on my faith through it all,

I always told God, “Don’t take a child from me,

because I will not survive that loss.”

But He did.

And here I am, surviving.

I think I have a heart ❤️

more tender than most,

perhaps a faith stronger than most,

perhaps I am more nieve than most,

but I have learned, felt, experienced

more. loss. than. most.

We are not here to fly through this life without pain,

We are here to learn how strong we are

to spread caring, love, help others,

no matter what comes our way.

There is always something you can do,

Reach out to a friend, Learn something new.

cfblack, 4-4-26

O SON OF MAN! My calamity is My providence, outwardly it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly it is light and mercy. Hasten thereunto that thou mayest become an eternal light and an immortal spirit. This is My command unto thee, do thou observe it.

Bahá’u’lláh

my vote

October 27, 2025

Everybody wants to know, how will I vote?

Democrats write me, Republicans too,

they send surveys I am afraid to answer.

Is this survey for real, or are they trolling?

Every mailing I get, it asks for money.

I grew up being told, my vote is my business.

I vote as a citizen, make my choices in private,

vote on issues that mean the most to me.

It’s none of your business how I plan to vote.

If elections were honest and votes were legit,

you’ll know after I vote, who I voted for.

And no, I have no money for your campaign,

because, have you bought groceries lately?

have you tried to buy steak? LOL LOL.

Lucky to buy hamburger. Hot dogs, maybe.

Maybe a can of soup with too much salt.

Have you looked at what a house costs to rent??

No, I can’t send $$ to your campaign,

you’ll have to figure that out for yourself.

Save your money and don’t ask for mine.

Call me on the phone, ask me, how was my day?

What are the issues you’re dealing with?

How can I brighten your day today?

I will vote while I still can, and hope that it counts.

But my vote is my business,

I hope for change.

cfblack, 10-27-25

Loss

July 7, 2025

I go to bed to dream of you,

to take away the feeling of your loss,

to lie in the darkness in peace, and think of you.

I don’t dream of you,

awake with first light, hear the birds singing,

imagine it is you, singing in the next world.

The loss returns.

I feel your lovely spirit always with me, wherever I go,

wherever I am. But still, I miss you.

Today I will work on pressing flowers from your funeral,

watch videos about molds and resin, to create momentos

for family members.

It gives me something to do, while I think of you.

cfblack, 7-1-25

March lament

March 14, 2025

Treefrogs trill in the trees that enjoyed a sprinkling of rain
from the clouds that last night hid the red moon eclipse,
Pretty black cat joins me on the back porch,
but as I sit, my fingers turn cold as ice from a light breeze blowing;
I return inside, to the warmer air of my daughter’s kitchen,
and await the heat of Summer.
cfblack, 3-14-25, Pi Day

Zooming

June 17, 2023

I want to write about Zoom calls. This is not a poem. Maybe it will be one some day.

Yesterday, I did a marathon of 6 zoom calls in a day. At the end of it, I was getting depressed. It is being with people, while not being with people.

You are not sitting in a room with people, you are by yourself, in your room, on Zoom. You see a screen full of faces, all looking at you. I think this is why people want to turn off their cameras. If we were all in person, we would be lounging on couches and chairs somewhat in a circle. We would not all be staring at one another as if we were on a stage & they were the audience.

On zoom, people turn off their cameras. They like to hide. It is a privilege, if allowed, on zoom. So you then take away all eyes on you. You can also mute your sound, become muted. Then when you want to speak, you forget to turn it back on and you’re talking to no one but yourself. Sometimes you raise your virtual hand and do this. Sometimes you turn on your camera & then do this. People say, “You’re muted!” Then you have to start all over again.

If we were in person, we would smile, look sideways at some, straight at people only usually when they are talking. It is a different phenomenon. I was born into a non-tech world where all we had was in person conversation, or well, and phone calls. The phone was near the kitchen & another one upstairs. If I was on the phone w/ friends, I knew my parents could silently pick up the other line & listen in. We couldn’t go to a breakout room for privacy. I guess I should write a poem about that.

But for now, back to zooming, I think it depresses people. Or more accurately, it’s a disconnected way of connecting. It’s not WHOLE, it’s partial. Though we like to see one another, like in a family zoom call, it’s sure not the same as being WITH them, with my WHOLE self. I miss my family. Maybe that’s the depression part.

I guess zooming works for getting through a college class. But it’s not the same as in person. More research is needed, as they say in academia.

66 years

August 20, 2019

I have been on this planet 66 years, as of yesterday. Here are a few things that tell me how much I have experienced and what changes have occurred in those years:

  • When I was a little girl, we had one phone in the house, near the kitchen. I even remember some of our phone numbers. One was HA 31931. Numbers now have 10 numbers to a phone number. Ours had 7.
  • When we wanted to call someone, we would pick up the receiver and listen. If we heard someone else talking, that was the people sharing our “party line” and we had to hang up until they were done, then make our call.
  • I remember when calculators first came out. I was starting college. They were expensive.
  • My first car was a VW bug, original, green, with clutch and shifting gears. I did everything I could do to avoid stopping on a hill. If you shifted and “missed” the next gear, it could just roll backwards into the car behind you.
  • Certainly, there were no computers, no video games. I remember computers coming into peoples’ homes. I remember some kind of HUGE computer being rolled into Purdue libraries. I remember the taking down and dismantling of the card catalog. I took the 3X5 cards with my dad’s Masters thesis and PhD titles.
  • For my 15th birthday, I got a polaroid “Swinger” camera.
  • I used to put curlers in my hair and sleep on them. When I was a little girl, my mom wound my hair into little curls and pinned them to my head with bobby pins. We took them out in the morning.
  • The Beatles came out when I was about 13 yrs. old. I had a huge picture of Paul McCartney on my bedroom wall. For my 15th birthday, my dad took my sister and I to a Beatles LIVE concert at Kennedy stadium. Thunderstorms threatened all evening and John Lennon pointed his guitar toward the clouds and acted like he was shooting at them. I screamed through most of the concert. My dad was so embarrassed, he moved my sister and himself away from me and another girl who decided to scream together for the duration. We bought their music on “record albums”.
  • I was sent home from high school one day when some girls and I decided to wear jeans to school, to protest not being able to wear PANTS. Even in the coldest of winter days.
  • Saturday mornings were the only time we could watch cartoons on TV. We would wake up and camp out in front on the television all morning until lunch-time. The final shows were Sky King and My Friend Flicka.
  • The Wizard of Oz movie came on TV once a year. There were no home movies, no DVDs.
  • I was not allowed to see Cleopatra in the theater because it was too adult.
  • Candy bars were 5 cents. Cokes were 10 cents.
  • In a drugstore down the street, they sold penny candy. One of the candies was in the shape of a baby, we called them “Tar babies”. They used to be called something else.
  • Pres. Kennedy was shot when I was in 5th grade. Our teacher came into the class upset and said he had been shot. A little later she returned, saying, “The President has died,” and we were all sent home.

Life of a woman

March 15, 2019

I think of writing about my 11 years as a stay-at-home-mom, the poorest years of our lives, and we had 4 kids. Some people were mad at us for having 4 kids. Said we couldn’t afford it. I hung clothes out on the line, washed cloth diapers, had a kitchen with wooden floors…… and still I refused to “go to work”. These were my babies. Besides, how would working be possible with 4 children? It was not possible. The structure of our society says we can pay for childcare. It says who are we to want assistance? We should figure it out. I played with my kids, had lovely days where time stood still, I made baby food, baked our own crackers. My husband worked sometimes 2 jobs. Once I determined to return to work, I went back part-time, then 30 hours, then finally 40 hrs/week. I had anxiety to be out in public alone, no child in tow. I imagine everyone was staring at me. Eventually, I went back to school, got 3 degrees including the top of the line PhD and became a professor. When I quit my full-time job I had for 15 years in order to finish the PhD, I had just come over the top of earning $21,000 a year. Yes. That’s right, that’s what women do, right? “Support” the family income. I worked to maintain health insurance for all. Fast forward to today, I earn 3X that much and have had a career for a good 11 years now. Life is an amazing journey. I fully remember getting my first car in my own name. It was a Dodge Neon, white. I was over 50 yrs. old. I loved that car. And if I could go back to any one time of my life?? I would give anything to go back to a day with my little ones, in the house with a wooden plank kitchen floor. But each age is different. Yesterday I spent over an hour on the phone with the IRS. Evidently because I had the AUDACITY to list MY NAME FIRST on our tax return, they couldn’t figure out where our money went. We’ve been married for 40+ years. We are one entity. But because I put my name FIRST… they couldn’t find us. I am 65 years old. How dare I put my name first on our joint, married, tax return. This is the end of my story! I’m about to end the Baha’i fast for the day!

my narcissistic moment

December 14, 2018

In my psychological work over the years, which I no longer engage in, I have come to know a little girl who grew up very protected, quite pure-hearted, nieve, sensitive to others, and who cared for the world. She liked her time alone, often playing with her Barbie dolls, arranging them in her room in various ways over & over for hours. Or setting out all her dolls, of which there were many. She also loved sitting in the backyard driveway amidst thousands or millions of tiny rocks in gravel form, and picking out those she found the most interesting, unique, or beautiful. Her father was a scientist and taught her to discover the world and appreciate the life in it. Even in rocks millions of years old, there are stories. Fossils that speak of creatures who lived eons ago, come to visit us.

Because of various experiences in life, this primal innocence was lost. But it remained a part of her and I think is why, later in life, she was so forever destroyed by the unexpected loss of her father, and problems with her mother. She was in no way prepared for these things. So now, when possible hardships appear on the horizon, she imagines the worst possible scenario, because this is exactly what happened to her when she was 16. So if you imagine the worst thing, anything else is up from there and you know you will make it somehow.

I like to look back and think of this little girl, so unaware of the sufferings of life. I like to see her purity and it is not so much a self-love as an appreciation for who she was, and is, today. I am who I am. My experience is my experience, and if you think I should be more able to enjoy things like horror movies, tainted jokes, or the darker side of life, then you don’t accept who I am. I still cherish my time alone, and not only that, but need it, in order to stay sane. I am very aware of my strengths and weaknesses and needs. I know who I am.

having a car

November 28, 2018

something to write about later–

Getting my first car in my name,

white Dodge neon, 2006-07, myself 53 yrs old.

when our kids were little, having no car,

resentment toward AL for always taking it,

never understanding my total isolation,

never willing to compromise (ever),

 

riding the bus for something cheap and fun to do,

the kids choosing where to sit, excited, looking out the windows.

The things you do when you’re poor, home alone, with 4 kids and no car.

The excitement of the Bookmobile

coming to our apts out in the country, not on any bus line.

Sitting on the steps of the apts.,

watching a tractor shake up dirt and dust

as it plowed the corn rows

far across the field from us.