Doctor Grandma

Took a class to a county courtroom today, as observers. We first had to pass the metal detector. My purse beeped due to my car keys, but they let me keep them. No cell phones were allowed in the court room. (Left mine in my office desk.)

We sat down by 10am. The judge arrived at 11. The defendants we saw today were all in trouble for violating their parole:

1. young black male, broke his parole when he was found w/ a bit of crack cocaine. As I recall, he was sent to finish his 90-day sentence in jail. His mother and sister were in the court room. He seemed to want to serve his time and waved his arms twice to people in the courtroom as he walked out.

2. tall white male, in on violent charges, probably domestic, had not gone through either of 2 programs (not sure why), of which one was anger management. He was sentenced to serve 11 mos. in jail. Also seemed to want to do this & get it done & over with.

Both these first 2 defendants waived the right to counsel. It didn’t really seem to make a difference.

3. 2 women. The first one was in her 30s, had been convicted of sharing MJ with a 15-yr-old in her own home, also other friends present. She broke parole “to save her life” to get away from old druggie friends & had been reportedly clean for a year, and working, in AL. You’re not supposed to move w/o permission. Her entire family was with her, mother, father, sister, & all testified that her drug addiction had driven them crazy but she seemed to be clean now & didn’t want to have her return to N. Her 2 kids are living w/ the grandmother. All family members were tearful & you could tell her addiction had broken their hearts. Judge agreed to extend her probation & let her live in AL, but ordered monthly drug tests & 20 hrs community svc. to take away restitution charges not paid.

4. 25-yr-old mother of a 9-yr-old, same charge as above. In fact, they had been caught together but this was coincidence that they appeared in court together. (!)  This woman, however, admittedly can’t quit the stuff, so the public defender said she was NOT a good candidate for probation. She was to return to jail w/the stipulation that she be admitted to treatment program instead, if a bed were available. IOW, she won’t be let out, it’s either jail or treatment. She had already been thru 1 treatment program. (Didn’t seem remorseful, hasn’t learned.) Wants to be there for her son. (Hmm.) She as in shackles, as were the 1st 2 men.

5. Short & stocky white dude, has not paid much on a $30,000. debt. Must owe for larceny or something. The victim wants him incarcerated if he cannot pay the bill, but the judge sympathized w/ current economic situation & just continued the parole. Guy showed papers that he had been looking for work.

6. 50-yr-old black male on probation had been found at a house w/ bunch of other people all doing cocaine. 1 lb. found on table in living room, by police.I don’t remember his length of sentence but he went to jail, not on probation anymore.

No one contested their guilt, all waived right to trial. All the last ones were represented by public defender.

The judge kept talking to my students, asking them questions, or if they had any questions! We were sitting in jury box at front of courtroom! (This is small town America.) I felt embarassed for the families of defendants sitting there waiting for their loved one to appear before the judge.

I have no publications. But I have a number of possible ones. An incredible number of them in fact. It is exhausting but I’m hoping that all of a sudden, a bunch of them will come out all at the same time.

First priority is my book. I have to revise chapters and don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m just gonna do it and send something in. Rutgers Univ. Press and another one expressed a real interest and I haven’t done a thing with it since. That was rough dissertation chapters. When you’ve never done this and you don’t really know what the hell a publisher wants, it’s dang hard to crank it out. If an editor would tell me, Do this, do that, you need this, take that out, I’d do it in a split minute. But no, you’re just supposed to read 3-4 books they “recommend” and “just do it” and then hope for the freakin’ best. It is really confusing and I feel like I’m fumbling in the dark all over again.

What it really boils down to is the same thing as always: Go forward on faith.

Other publications in the works are:

• my 10-yr-old idea for an article on gender and race in children’s picture books,
• a small entry on “Code of the Street” for an Encyclopedia on African Americans and Criminal Justice. I’ve talked w/ these people a number of X & they always say it’s going forward, but I never see any result.
• a NEW offer to write a chapter for an upcoming book on Private Prisons, with my chapter being “Grassroots Initiatives Against Private Prisons.” No clue where I’ll find the time to write that one but it’s supposed to be sent in 6 mos.

If I ever get these accomplished, I have Bahai-related articles I’d like to work on. For example, comparing Max Weber’s iron cage with Shoghi Effendi’s blueprint for future society. Also publishing something on doing online research, or something on finding white supremacists within a prison reform group. Would also love to go back to & re-do my paper on whiteness and oneness: Racial identity among white women in the Baha’i Faith.

I just want to say, this semester I have a kick ass schedule. My week starts on Monday at 1:00, then I stay to also teach a night class that night. Teach Tues. & Thurs. at 9:25am and 12:15pm. On Wed. I teach one class at 1:00. NO CLASS ON FRIDAY (3-day weekend if needed)!

Of course the reality is we are working in our offices the rest of the day and at home most evenings.

Last semester I had an extra class (which made 5 in one semester) and nearly 120 students. It was way too much, I nearly collapsed. I am so relieved this semester. It gives me a great sense of freedom to have Fridays to do whatever work I want and to not teach.

OKAY, it’s almost curtain time. I have to get in gear for this semester. I am blessed with a job in my field, a minor that a lot of students want, and a major that some students want. 🙂  (Criminal Justice/Sociology)

I am invited to 3 conferences in one semester. My Purdue buddies are networking with me. So I can’t complain.

So much of me wants to just coast. I’m too old for this!! My old library job where I never had to think, is sometimes SO appealing. But I make double what I made there. So again, nothing to complain about, right.

I live in the sunny south, where the sun is once again streaming in through my window with a view of our tranquil pond out back. No complaining.

There is a layer of ICE over it, and our temps are running 15-20 degrees BELOW NORMAL once again, but— whatever. Our highs will reach the 50s next week. Can’t complain.

Why is it so hard to get in gear for this semester?? GEEZ.

Oh– I know why. The stress of last semester. 118 students and an extra class. The stress of a new job where I am trying to earn tenure, without which we lose our house. That could be some of it….  hmm… But really, all is going pretty well. Lots to be thankful for. I need to get it together. “Just do it” as they say.

I will list below my “workspace”  with the sun streaming in, and my view.

It is the end of another semester. This is Wed., the last week of classes. Next week is finals week.

We are so busy during the semester that when the end comes, we are never truly ready. We always have in our minds “the next class”. For example, if we have not covered something, we will bring it up “in the next class”. This week we realize there IS no next class. We are having our final class meetings. Finals week is finals and tallying grades and that’s it.

I see students trying to make it. For some, it is the final hour and the final possibility of passing. For some it is the difference between getting playing time, or sitting on the bench. Now, all of a sudden they are concerned.

Partly, I feel very frustrated with students asking what they can still do to improve their grade. But partly I identify with them because we all do the same thing. We write papers the day before they are due. Professors finalize their conference presentations the night before in a hotel room. I have done it many times myself.

What it boils down to is our lives are too dang busy. So we do what needs to be done to meet the next crisis deadline. Then we look to the next deadline.

So what I do, is I allow students to turn in assignments late, for half the points. It would be better if they did it on time. Someday maybe they will realize doing it ontime means they get ALL the points. But for now, they just get behind, and many of my students are 1st-generation college students. They don’t keep up. For my freshmen and women, they are learning what kind of work goes into getting through college. Hopefully they will improve into their later years in college. If they are doing the work late, at least they are doing it. They don’t deserve the same grade as those who did it on time, but I will give them 1/2 credit, & maybe they will pass the class.

After finals week, I always go into a depression. Then that lifts and I enjoy my time off.

it is 2:02am.

I had an insight this morning. Not sure if I can put it into words.

Basically it is that, my position as professor is one that encourages and fosters the ego. Whether or not one is extrovert or introvert makes no difference. I am naturally an introvert. But once I got used to standing in front of a classroom for 50 mins. at a time, with all the students required to look at me and listen, it is amazing how I manage to talk the entire hour, intuitively wrapping it up at minute 45. As if all I have to say is important. It isn’t. What is important, and what makes the better professor or teacher, is to manage to bring out the students’ thoughts, not just off the top of their heads but as a thoughtful, critical thinking view of what they have read or heard from me. THAT is the goal of a classroom. And I have not been achieving that goal well enough.

What causes one to talk for the entire 50 minutes? or in some cases, if the class meets twice/week, for an hour + 15 mins.??

First of all, because you can. Students are in the position of not being able to complain about that. So the positions, in themselves, foster the ego of the professor. All desks are turned toward the front of the room, where the professor stands or the computer screen projects.

Second of all, because you are afraid. Because you think it is up to you, as professor, to tell the best story, present the material in the best way. And it is NOT up to you. It is only you if your ego is in the way. In reality, you are there to assist the students to critically think through the material. That is your job. What do they think and why? It is a constant exercise to get the self out of the way, and just assist.

And the best way to achieve that, is daily prayer. As we are told to do as Bahai’s, pray and meditate both morning and evening. Remind yourself that you are not in charge. It’s not up to you! It’s up to you to get your own ____ out of the way of their learning. If we say the short obligatory prayer every day, for example, we are immediately reminded, of “my powerlessness and of Thy might, of my poverty and Thy wealth.”

And as soon as I had this insight, I passed a church sign which read, “If God is your co-pilot, change seats!”