Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

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poem for my father-in-law

August 10, 2011

Life Sneaks Up on You

Life sneaks up on you,

You’re not thinking about it,

You turn around,

And your kids are grown,

Your kids, in fact, have grandchildren,

And they are telling YOU

what to do,

You wouldn’t listen to them,

except you’re having trouble

getting out of your chair,

Your neck is in a 24-hour brace,

And they can’t figure out how to cure the infection

That sends you running to the bathroom,

Just yesterday, you took your wife

on a Caribbean cruise,

Drove out of state for family weddings,

Walked 2 miles when you felt like it,

Now, there are more pills to take

than you can remember,

Your body aches from constant pain,

You leave the house with a diaper on,

Your friends and siblings

Disappear,

One by one, they desert you,

You spend more time at the funeral home

than you do in your own living room,

Inside, you feel like the same young man

who years ago, returned from the war,

married the pretty young girl you loved,

and started your own home,

Hopes and dreams melt into

days gone by,

You turn around

And the years are gone,

You have no idea how this happened,

Yet, in everything, there is a season,

a time for every purpose under heaven,

the less time we have, the more we value it,

— the more precious the hours we are given.                     

                                                   CF Black, 7-30-2011

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summer projects

June 16, 2011

Well, I just started writing this entry and my computer decided to update itself and shut itself down. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE.

I have these left for summer projects, each one being something that could take the entire summer:

1. Finish research and write a journal article, sending it in for publication. 🙂 

2. Prepare for Fall semester. I always look forward to Fall because these are classes I love and this will be the 4th time I have taught the main two. Social problems I teach every semester so I am prepared for that already, though there are a few changes I will make to improve it this time. Social Theory– my FAVORITE, and students are usually all sociology majors who need to write a 10-page paper. Stratification we have fun with.

3. Think thru Criminology and Criminal Justice, one I taught last semester and One I will teach next Spring. For all my classes, I plan to get them down to the day in planning, with lecture, film, guest speakers, assignments, tests and class activities.

4. Put together my booklet of 15 Children’s class lessons on Virtues. Organize my children’s class materials, which are vast and totally disheveled right now in various containers and boxes. 15 lessons = 1 weekly lesson for a semester. They are virtues lessons with a base of spirituality adaptable to children of any faith background, incuding my own, the Baha’i Faith, which has a universal viewpoint.

5. Do more work on the mystery man, James Agnew, my great grandfather, more work on Family history, including some more on the Black’s, my husband’s family. Maybe copy pictures I have for siblings.

6. Find a few more gravesites for those looking for their family history gravesites, from findagrave.com.

Family vacation 1 week in July.

Meanwhile, my husband just lost his job. He earned employee of the month 3X in the past 6 mos., but he is laid off. Some new man in charge decided to make a name for himself by getting rid of all remote recruiters, even tho’ my husband has been doing this remotely for the past year. THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKS!! Thanks a bunch. If we have to live on my salary, we are screwed. I really don’t want to move again. I could get a better paying job in my field, but for now, we’re cutting expenses as much as possible and seeing how it goes. He is 59 and unemployed.

Besides that, I am having some other serious problems I won’t mention here. All I know is, wihtout prayer and trust in God, I’d be a goner. WITH those things, we are always winners. There is nothing that can harm me if I have my Lord’s love and guidance. This is all I can count on right now.

Our house is once again childless, quiet and empty. We miss our grandkids who were here, but at the same time, we are older and they do wear me out. Glad to have time once again for reflection, prayer to myself, quiet walks out in the nature of South Carolina. I have restarted my 3-mile daily walks. But I have not yet been able to go to the pool without them. The kids in the pool will make me sad my grandkids are not there as well, saying, “Grandma! Watch this!”

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poem for oldest daughter

May 22, 2011

Distance

Distance does separate.

My heart aches to come visit,

Sit down, have a cup of coffee,

In your kitchen,

Talk as we go to the grocery store,

Which is when we truly share,

But there are 4 states

And 800 miles

Between us,

The sun rises here

36 minutes

Before it reaches you,

Your computer, depending on your paycheck,

May be on, or off,

And we do not do well on phones.

But there is no Winter where we are,

And Spring begins in February,

I have not scraped ice off the windshield of my car

Or felt my fingers go numb with cold

In three Decembers now,

There is something to be said for that.

And so we remain, alone, apart,

While grandsons grow up into men,

I am not there for “Grandma’s Day”

And we miss every game of their soccer season,

Life is always bittersweet,

Joy always comes mixed with tears,

We must gather the strength that lies within,

Trust in the Wisdom that brought us here,

Trust in the love that connects our hearts

In spite of anything.

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things I’ve learned

February 27, 2011

I’m thinking of writing something about “things I’ve learned” by age 57. It would go something like this:

1. Nothing in life really surprises me anymore. Just about anything can happen, at any time. The lesson in this is to never take life for granted, to appreciate each day, and to take life as it comes. What matters is your response to those inevitable things that happen to you and those you love.

2. Bad things happen to good people. All the time, every day. I do believe in karma, but it may not be resolved in this world, and it only goes so far. You could do nice things for people all your life long, & still be treated unfairly. Even so, you should do nice things for people. It makes a difference in their lives. And God knows all.

3. Live your life in honesty and always do your best. Some people will always think you are not as honest as you are, because they are dishonest themselves and will treat you with suspicion. Others will think you are trying to prove you are better than they are. It doesn’t matter what they think. Do your best and move forward.

4. When you live honestly and sincerely, the truth often comes out eventually. People who treated you badly in the past show up years later, and apologize. This has happened to my husband and I many times. We have been through some pretty hard times and have been severely wronged, many times. The truth often comes out. See no.1.

5. Personal integrity matters. Over many years’ time, your integrity is the thing that people remember. It has to be consistent, and you do become known for it.

6. Health matters. The older you get, the more you have to be willing to fight for it. Nature is not kind, and once you go past a certain age, it’s a battle that is impossible to WIN. All you can do is fight it off for as long as possible. Focus on health, because of no.7.

7. Beauty fades. It just does. There isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. See no.6.

8. Your life partner and lover is your one and only true friend. As you get older, the friend part becomes more and more important than the lover part.

9. Never, ever take any relationship for granted. Every love relationship, be it friend, partner, or parent/child, needs CONSTANT work. Work at communicating, and listening. Never take their caring for granted. Be willing to give them the time they need. Do things together, reconnect. Be open and honest about how you feel. Let the little things go.

10. Spend time with your kids when they are little. As they get older, they will then want to spend time with you. Nothing else matters more in life, not one thing. Time is your greatest gift. Trying to explain why you had to be somewhere else is NEVER a substitute for just BEING THERE when they needed you.

11. Age 14-15 does pass. By the time they hit 21-22, you are once again their friend.

12. Grandkids are the best thing in the world. Visit them often.

13. Some people will hate you, despise you or just plain not like you. There is nothing you can do about this either. Know yourself and develop your best intuitive talents. Your personality will clash with some other types and it has nothing to do with anything you did wrong. Try to see what you can learn from them. Don’t expect them to like you.

14. You will fail at some things. You will mess up. We’re all human.

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Dec.29

December 29, 2010

This is an Indiana week. There is snow on the ground the entire time we’re here. Haven’t seen any new snow, it just comes & stays, never melts.

Have spent the last 2 nights at my daughter’s, sleeping in Caspian’s bed. He sleeps on the couch. For him it’s a big treat. Was sick Tues. all day, feeling better today. Have not hardly been out of this house for 2 days. We are getting ready to leave for Al’s parents again.

Nothing much happening, just sitting around at relatives. World going by. Sat. we leave for home.

Our daughter is enjoying a fast, new computer, courtesy of us and 1 of our sons. She is working as a fork lift truck driver, gets to work by 6:30am daily.

Have done more work on fam. history while here, it is mind boggling at this point, expanding everywhere. No end to it, and no siblings or parents of James Agnew yet. Next project is to try to find living relatives my age who may know something– anything– which will be a link to any of his siblings. Those siblings will link me to which family line he is from that I see on old census records. It is quite the puzzle.

Have lost faith in political systems of the world. We rec’d a new 16-page document from the Universal House of Justice this week, which is amazingly significant in itself. Why now? Why at the end of 2010? Who knows.

Haven’t walked one mile all week.

Posted in family tree research, vacations | Leave a Comment »

leaving for Indiana

December 22, 2010

We leave for Indiana early in the morning. I don’t really feel like we are leaving…. it was in the 60s here in SC today, don’t really want to leave. Our house is not cleaned, clothes still need packed, Al is hibernating upstairs as usual and we haven’t really talked much. Leaving until after New Yr’s!

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north dakota

November 28, 2010

so yes, our youngest son took the job in North Dakota, one hour from the Canadian border. This is his “big adventure”, he is going to an oil rig town of 13,000 to be a news and sports reporter. Today is his longest driving day and they are having blowing winds and snow. Not good. We will hopefully keep in touch w/ him as he drives. If they get 2-3″ and not 12″ in the next 24-36 hrs., he may not have too much trouble. Meanwhile, I’m staying RIGHT HERE in the sunny south, where our heat is coming on at night but then it still warms up to high 60s- low 70s during the day.

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Little Boy

November 22, 2010
Little Boy
 
I am thinking of a little boy,
who did not talk until 3 years old,
 
got the award at summer camp for “boy sick most often,”
had ear infections so rampant,
a doctor inserted tubes to take them away,
 
which improved his hearing,
which allowed him to hear language,
and he began to speak;
 
I am thinking of an 8 year old,
stealing packs of baseball cards,
he and 3 buddies deciding to do this
— all together — at the SAME TIME,
 
We allowed the police to take him to the station,
Getting finger printed scared him so bad,
he refused to enter this store again,
 
I am thinking of a 12-year-old
confiding to me in secret,
face beaming with pride,
“Mom, I want you to know,
I quit smoking.”
 
We praised God when he graduated from high school.
Posing as his father, he called in sick so many times,
We made a deal with the school:
Only his mother could call in for him;
 
This child, bounced on his head in the locker room,
unconscious in the ambulance,
awoke on the way to the hospital,
where we met him at the door,
 
This child whose soccer team won regional
the last game of his senior year,
now keeps in touch with teammates,
his loyalty to school and friends unmatched,
Goes away to college and finds
he can wake himself up
with something called “an alarm clock“,
Graduates in May after I get my PhD,
 
This son, our youngest,
so stubborn, so headstrong,
outmatches his father in being opinionated,
manages to offend
half of those he ever meets,
 
The world is black or white to these two,
and there is no such thing as gray,
 
This son, to whom family means so much,
loves caring for his nephews,
watching football with his dad,
This son now finds a job,
1000 miles from the nearest relative.
 
We plan to stay in touch on facebook,
share lives by cell phone,
visit by train,
Somehow in the last 25 years,
This child became a man.

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Thanksgiving and Christmases past

November 19, 2010

This is a story of Thanksgivings past. The story of life with my parents has sharp dividing lines. The first part is a story of feeling safe, being sheltered from suffering, and living a life based in love. I grew up in upper middle class homes with 2 parents and 3 siblings. There was many a dinner party where my parents entertained friends. These were true friends, not just formal gatherings. My father played dixieland jazz, my sister and I would dance, my mother would serve food and martinis, and my father would sit around enjoying himself, sharing with friends and being with his family. The dividing line is his early death at the age of 50, after which our mother went into a tailspin for a while, was dropped from the elite social circle that was connected to my father’s position at the university, and alcohol became her main companion. She later reformed, recovered, and never went back to her old companion, which was helpful in our having any relationship at all. These periods in my life are: before age 16, age 16 to 32, and then life after age 32 until her passing 22 years later. The following is a segment from before age 16, recalling “Thanksgiving and Christmases past”.

My parents each trained me well and gave me certain lessons in life. Our holidays were filled with delicious home cooked meals, and much spirit. We always made a big deal about decorating the Christmas tree. It was an event we looked forward to. My mother always read us “The night before Christmas” on — the night before Christmas. 🙂  My mother took us to church regularly, usually United Methodist or Presbyterian, depending on where we lived. She grew up in the Dutch Reformed Church. My father was a strong Baptist in his young adulthood and even sang in the church with his parents and some other relatives. But as he aged, he became more and more disenchanted with organized religion. He would go about twice a year, to please my mom. My father taught me a love for education, dedication to his students, a love for life, a commitment to contributing to the advancement of life on earth.
 
Our Christmas holidays were unfortunately, centered around gifts, and we received many. But they were happy times.
 
I used to go to church when none of the rest of my family would go with me. I would also go to a chapel which was to be open for prayers at any time. I always love sitting in a church and looking up at the stained glass windows. In high school, I was president of my church youth group for about 2 years. We organized a “coffee house” for youth, held every Friday night, where we had snacks and dancing. We also met every Wed. night. At a slightly younger age I attended a Presbyterian youth group called “Chi-Ro” where we gathered every Saturday to make crafts together. So my youth is filled with memories of the church as a place to go, where we liked to go. I also have wonderful memories of Christmas caroling, the old fashioned way, where we actually walked around singing carols at people’s houses. We never knew if they would come to the door and acknowledge us, but the joy was in the singing. It was always cold. We usually gathered together at the end for hot chocolate.
 
My father died when I had just turned 16, in August. That December, I organized a Christmas caroling group all by myself, and we went around the neighborhood. I remember there was a dog that followed us and would start howling every time we started singing! It was as if he wanted to be a part of the singing. When we got done that year, I returned home to find some of my relatives from Indiana had driven out to Pennsylvania to spend the holidays with us, as a surprise, since it was the first Christmas without my father.
 
The next few years were more difficult, but I wanted to write my pleasant memories of the holidays. At the end of her life, my mother found her faith once again, and always had a Bible and certain little booklets from a women’s Bible group she would keep in her living room and read from. She returned to her roots, the Dutch Reformed Church, now the Christian Reformed church, and found much solace there. Her faith was childlike and somewhat based in fear: Her best friend, who died before her, told her, “We won’t know each other Marti, We’ll be angels!” She had no concept of life as an angel except perhaps floating around on clouds and singing praises of God. It was a somewhat childlike faith. But she believed.
One of the strongest auditory memories of any Thanksgiving dinner was my grandfather’s voice reciting the Lord’s Prayer. He always said it the same: He bowed his head and devoutly recited it at a speed so fast you could hardly follow the words. It was a lower voice, a respectful, more formal pronunciation of words, but one he memorized and recited at a zooming speed, without stopping to think. This was a man who had to quit school at the 6th grade, in order to work to help support his family. At some point in his life, he memorized this entire prayer.

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ages 12-15

September 26, 2010

Went to a training program on how to run a junior youth program this weekend. Junior youth age is 12-15.

At one point during the weekend, it suddenly flashed over me just how skewed was my own history of that age, and just after that age. Age 12, 7th grade, we were still in Indiana. I attended a regular “junior high” or middle school which in those days was 7th-9th grades. High school was 10th-12th.

Age 13, we moved to Germantown, PA. My school suddenly was 50% black and I rode a train to school. The main shock though, was the school itself. It was run like a home for juvenile delinquents. We were not allowed to talk in the hallways, had to go to our next classes in a silent file, were not allowed to talk at lunch! I was miserable. Time on the playground, where there was no equipment and nothing to do, kids spent fighting and girls walked around together. A few played hop scotch with rocks and sticks. We rode a bus to another school for “shop” and “home ec”. I sucked at home ec. A sewing machine might as well have been some object from outer space, I couldn’t figure it out. I was elected President of my class and quit when teachers expected ME to discipline MY CLASSMATES as president. Ridiculous. I never hated school so much. We moved the following summer, to put us in a different school system, thank God. Education was important to my parents, and I remember the day my dad called my teacher and told her off.

Age 14. 9th grade. Things went pretty well. 10th grade, my first date, age 15, I had a few friends. Then 2 weeks after my 16th birthday, my father died of a massive heart attack. Changed my life forever, changed all our lives. My mother became an alcoholic and things were never, ever the same.

Suffice it to say, my progression from one stage to the next as a junior youth, and then youth, was totally whacko skewed. Some of the things they talked about in our training I could not relate to. Other things, like all the forces hitting at our youth from all directions, I could understand. Each of us has our challenges, our tragedies, our hurtful things that happen to us. I think I was a particularly unprepared youth for what happened to me. I was sitting there thinking about the age of 15 being the beginning of the age of maturity. I feel like I only matured at around age . . . 45-50. And I wonder how few youth of age 18 actually made it to that age without a major tragedy in their lives.

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