dissertation to book

May 7, 2010

Lord help me, I started the process of revising my dissertation into a book. It is so painful to go back to revising, I can’t put it into words…. It’s just that old, familiar feeling of going forward on faith alone. Nothing else would drive me to do this. For the sake of getting my respondents’ stories out into the public, I truly hope I can write well enough to do this. I am smart enough to know my lack of academic ability and my mediocrity.

Three publishers have expressed interest. It’s a hot topic. So maybe, who knows, this will actually happen.

masculine images of owning a truck

May 7, 2010

My husband has a new truck. We needed a 2nd vehicle so we went $12,000. more into debt yesterday. He is very happy. The meaning of a truck to him, is a mixture of things. For one, it’s a guy thing to own a truck. What is the meaning behind that? I can take care of business, I can carry a heavy load, I can move big, heavy things, I have a vehicle that is bigger than yours. I can ride over rough terrain, like on the tv commercials? (rugged, outdoorsman image)

A woman can buy a truck and own a truck, but all the media messages appeal to men, & they are full of what it means to be masculine.

Second, we can move our own “stuff”. If we buy a desk, dresser, bed or dryer, we can load it up into our own vehicle and take it home. Self sufficiency, another male image.

Third, to my husband it means he has the freedom to start his own business again, whenever he would be so inclined. A truck can carry tools, electrical equipment, plumbing pipes and whatever else. A truck can get dirty. It’s not a “girly thing” that has to look pretty.

These images are really funny, how we are sold a line of advertising. In any case, I am glad we have 2 vehicles, and happy to have a truck. Just don’t expect me to ride home to visit family in Indiana, in the tight space called the back seat.

May 4

May 4, 2010

Incredibly, it is May 4th. Tomorrow morning, I turn in final grades.

Last night, I sent an article to a journal. I wonder if it will be published. I have publishing opps. popping up all OVER the place. However, I have such a bad history of things not getting published, that I’ve become quite cynical. All you need is a glitsy, glossy article with lots of tables and figures and p values and other statistics, and you might get published. What ever happened to talking face to face with another person, in depth, to really get into an issue from the inside out? It’s called: qualitative analysis! WHOA, what a concept. Sociology has gone the way of tables and figures, unless you happen to know someone who knows someone. Hmm, it seems the cynicism is taking over, so let me stop.

The semester is at an end. This academic year is at an end. I’ve completed my 2-year cycle of classes. It should be easier from here on out. My only problem is, I keep changing and rearranging courses to make them BETTER! Hah. So I end up creating new tests and new assignments, sometimes even changing a text book, putting in tons of more work for myself. What a silly person I am.

I really reached the exhaustion point at the end of this school year. There is change in the air on my college campus. I think a lot of athletes took my class hoping for an easy B, or even an A, and suddenly they realize they’re not making the grade they needed in order to play next year. So they freak out. There is a new A.D. and I think he is instituting new academic requirements. I’ve had a number of students freaking out at the end of this semester. It puts a lot of tension in the air. One person had a little temper tantrum when I wouldn’t take his extra credit after the final. My syllabus states, and all semester I had been repeating, last day for extra credits or assignments of any kind = last day of classes. So he had a little hissy fit and crumpled up his paper and threw it angrily into the wastebasket before walking out. A couple of other students did similar things. Two of them needed a B and are getting a C. One guy plagiarized his paper and then announced he was still going to get an A in my class. He got a zero on his paper. Plagiarism is a serious offence. I don’t think he quite got that. It just amazes me, it really does. It amazes me when people don’t turn in a final paper, when they don’t even come to the final. What an announcement of “I don’t care!” What are they doing, REALLY?? This is COLLEGE!! I don’t get it.

Others wrote very nice notes to me about how I was their mentor. Some wrote very nice things about what they learned about gender in my sociology of gender course, which I had doubts about. It was the first time I had taught that.

I was on USC campus today. There was excellent, free, quality WIFI in any building. I sat in the “Nanotechnology” building waiting for AL in a meeting and surfed the ‘Net. Professors, students, all were walking around. Asian students, who I never see outside of Columbia. The library had a huge reflecting pool out in front of it, with a fountain. Inside the library was so beautiful, spacious, computers everywhere, printers all over the place! It was SOOOOO NIIICE!! I’ve MISSED so much, that kind of quality place. Wow. I can’t even get my office cleaned or painted. It is scuzzy. It was trashed when I arrived. Trashed. Nobody even checked to clean it out. It is dirty, no one ever takes a broom to the floor, let alone….. a MOP?!  I’ve learned, from many conversations, that people literally eventually PAINT their own offices!! You can’t get an office painted where I’m at. Mine was painted by my predecessor, probably 15 years ago. It is a dirty, medium murky blue. AWFUL. The air conditioner spits out puky, lukewarm air and shuts off automatically after 6 or 7pm. (Everyone should be HOME at that hour. Heaven forbid someone wants to work in the evening.) ……… I’m going to stop now. I really am tired this school year. Yes, I need my summer off.

laying aside all malice. . .

May 3, 2010

Someone sent me these verses yesterday, which I thought I’d share.

Wherefore, laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrises, and envies, and all evil speakings,

as newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the Word, that ye may grow thereby,

If so be, ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious.

1 Peter, 2:1-3.

May 2010

May 1, 2010

May 1st, 2010.

End of Semester, end of school year. Monday is the last day of finals. I will give one on Monday, grade it, and be done for the semester! It is hard to express how happy I am to have the summer(s) off. Never had that before in my entire working life. For many years of grad school, I taught school during the summers for extra money. Before I lived my life according to academics, I had a full time job which only continued through the summer, with maybe one or two weeks off per year. Never had money for vacation anyway.

Today has been a good day. Al, Levin and I went downtown to a Crawfish Festival where “THEY” ate a plate full of bright orange crawfish, by pulling the body apart, getting the meat loose inside, and sucking the head for the spicy juices. That kind of thing has always made me rather sick to my stomach, even though I know in my heart, that killing chickens is just as gross. It’s just that they’re not served with the heads still on, and you don’t suck on their brains for the “juice”. I watched while they ate. I had nachos with cheese, and a corn dog.

Living in the south, one thing for sure, we are spoiled for DELICIOUS and FRESH seafood, ALL the time, everywhere, every day. There are little diners with fresh fish that are only open Thurs.–Sat. nights.

We settled on a new truck for AL today. I am very happy for him. He finally will have his own vehicle (thank God!) and he gets a truck, which he has always wanted since the last one we had, which was back in the late 80s to early 90s? So it will come in about a week. We will have a budget that works, but we will be eating at home a LOT more often.

This summer, I plan to send my book chapters to a publisher, try to get that goal of my life accomplished. Three different publishers have WANTED my book. I have a knack for “hot” topics! Always got into conferences that way, maybe will be published that way. Can’t wait to go into my office and not have to prepare the next class (until next AUGUST), hallelujah.

There’s a lot more, but I will end for now.

“God has created the world as one — the boundaries are marked out by man. God has not divided the lands, but each man has his house and meadow; horses and dogs do not divide the fields into parts. That is why Bahá’u’lláh says: “Let not a man glory in that he loves his country, but that he loves his kind.” All are of one family, one race; all are human beings. Differences as to the partition of lands should not be the cause of separation among the people.

. . . My hope is that the Divine Light may shine here, and that the Heavenly Star of Bahá’u’lláh may strengthen you, so that you may be the cause of the oneness of humanity, that you may help to make the darkness of superstition and prejudice disappear and unite all creeds and nations.

This is a brilliant century. Eyes are now open to the beauty of the oneness of humanity, of love and of brotherhood. The darkness of suppression will disappear and the light of unity will shine. We cannot bring love and unity to pass merely by talking of it. Knowledge is not enough. Wealth, science, education are good, we know: but we must also work and study to bring to maturity the fruit of knowledge.”   (Abdu’l-Baha, Abdu’l-Baha in London, p. 53)

family history

April 26, 2010

In a few minutes today on ancestry.com, a record of my great grandfather’s passage on a boat popped up. His first name was Wopka. He left Amsterdam for America on Christmas Day 1889, headed for Roseland, Illinois. My grandfather was born there 4 yrs. later. He traveled 3rd class. If he had sailed on the Titanic 20 years later, he would not have survived.

Another interesting random fact: HIS grandmother, Tilke Hylkema, was supposedly born AT SEA near Indonesia! Fascinating stuff. (This came up from someone else’s family tree.)

my brother’s passing, one year ago

April 26, 2010

One year ago, I started this blog. The reason I started it was therapeutic, for myself to write down my thoughts, as I went to sit with my brother dying of cirrhosis of the liver. We had not seen each other for 25 years.

It is hard to imagine that was a year ago. I can remember very clearly, our visit, each day, his voice, the way he looked, the various people I met. He was somewhat out of it, sometimes totally coherent, sometimes not so much (which was a very familiar pattern for speaking with him on any day, any year!). We had no relationship, basically, except for a few words on the phone if he called when I was at our mother’s, before she died a year earlier. He was a user. He called mom for money. However, as I have said many times, as far as we know, he never hurt anyone physically, and he had a good heart. He said that himself that last week, “Oh they all know me, I have a good heart, and they know that here.” It was like he was trying to believe it, trying to believe they saw through his adamant and insistent addiction and mental problems.

He never could just follow the rules. Ever. He slept in parks, couldn’t stand to be enclosed. That week he told me parks and places I should visit. It was so funny, like he was telling me what to go see, because he knew it all, he had been everywhere, and seen it all. He occasionally told a joke or something he thought was funny. His face would light up suddenly, like a light bulb bright. He looked pathetic, sick, like a person with addictions who had been homeless for 20-odd years. But he was my brother. We had other memories, of other decades, other times. I reminded him of a few of them. Like the time he came home from hiking the John Muir trail, and wanted to hide in the closet and pop out and scare our dad. He was funny.

He was sometimes disturbing, like the day he kept telling me to take him out of there, and told me off when I wouldn’t. “I just can’ t believe you won’t help your own BROTHER.” He was 2 days to not being in this world. He got so mad, he was going to stand up and walk out. And all he could do was hobble! That was Dan, defiant and independent to the end.

But he destroyed his body and who knows how much of his mind, with alcohol, cocaine and other drugs.

He never withdrew his membership from the Baha’i Faith, which then allowed me to list his name in a Baha’i publication after his passing. That was very comforting to me. Some who knew him and me, wrote to me.

I do miss my brother. I miss the relationship we could have had. But addictions took that away. I miss my mother as well. Lord knows, I’ve missed my dad for 40 years, since he left us! It is lonely sometimes. No one in this world knows what we all went through, and there is no way to explain it, or any purpose in doing so. In that, I am very alone.

April tadpoles & dragonflies

April 20, 2010

Yesterday, my husband and I noticed thousands and thousands of recently hatched tadpoles madly swimming all around the edges of the entire pond. We will soon have more frog voices. When we moved in last July/August, I remember seeing them hopping across the sidewalk as we took walks around the pond. I was wondering when they would reappear. Haven’t seen many turtles raising their heads in the water yet.

Another creature starting to make its appearance for the year, are dragonflies. At the end of last summer, they were so plentiful, I counted different colors & types. They flit all around you as you walk, but never land ON you. They are beautiful blues & greens. It is amazing to watch the natural eco-system of a pond. One feeds on another, they all mate & bring forth a new generation of their kind. The cycle repeats itself. Life is a strong force with the desire to continue.

(photo courtesy of macro-photo.org )

sounds of the pond

April 16, 2010

The sounds of the pond tonight are just incredible. I recorded a little and will upload it to facebook tomorrow. It is loud. Creatures calling to each other in the night, frogs, crickets, all sorts of weird creature sounds. I have never heard anything like it before. (I’m a city girl, folks!) Deeper and lighter-type croaking, screeching, it is incredibly loud!! I opened the window, turned on the ceiling fan, and I’m going to lie in bed and go to sleep to the sounds…..

stories in the news

April 13, 2010

There are so many great stories in the news, and I don’t have time to post about it. I think it’s the Virginia governor declared “Confederacy Day” with an entire program and never mentioned slavery…. hello? The Mississippi Gov. responded by saying, “It was no big deal.” Riiiiiiight.

Someone just told my husband at a  book reading that black people were not allowed to step a foot onto the grounds of the Statehouse in SC or they were arrested— up to 1968. In 1968, I was 15 years old! Some things are really unimaginable. Now we have the African American history memorial on the statehouse grounds, & it is really very impressive. School buses drive up with busloads of children to come see it. Church people bring their Sunday school classes. It is something to see.

what else? Some idiot woman sent her 7-yr-old adopted son BACK TO RUSSIA with a note for the orphanage to take him back!! You just want to scoop up this child and love him, and put the momma in an orphanage where no child can ever go near it. Put her in jail!! (They might, actually.) Kids come with no guarantee or warraunty!! No perfection guarantee!! Kids have problems!! most of them from their parents, adopted or genetic!! GOD forgive us.

I am hitting a wall of tiredness and it hasn’t left me for 2 days now. End of semester. Right now I feel the next 2 weeks are insurmountable and I am really worn out. Not much I can do about it.

My husband is going in for colonoscopy and all that fun stuff at the end of this week. Life in the mid-50s fast lane…..