Archive for the ‘various personal musings’ Category

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my birth! day

August 19, 2010

Today is my birthday. We won’t be celebrating much because we happen to be broke until payday. 🙂 

Many of my colleagues don’t even know how old I am. Something in me doesn’t want to tell them. (What does it matter, really??) I am just going to write some random thoughts. It is my birthday, after all…

First of all, I have so much to be thankful for. Praise be to God.

We have a beautiful, new baby granddaughter, born June 3rd! What could be better?

I have 3 other grandsons, each one of whom I love to the max. We also have 3 step-grandchildren but unfortunately, I never see them. Grandparents have no rights.

I have 4 wonderful kids, all functioning, able adults, with good hearts and spirits. Three are married. We all live in a total of 4 different states and stay in touch by phone, e-mail and facebook.

I have been married to the same man for 38 years…… It’s not that we have the perfect marriage. But we are happy, and he is my best friend in the world. At this age, we have pretty much settled our differences, have a decent respect for one another, are proud of how all our kids have “turned out” and enjoy being together. We are happy when our kids are with us, and happy when we are alone. It doesn’t really matter.

I have a new job, in my field, even in this economic down time. This will be my 3rd Fall teaching there. My relationships with students are developing. Some of them I am really close to, and will be so proud to see them graduate. (Then will THEY struggle to find a job?)

I love the place where I live. The house is good, not perfect, but it is newly built within the past 5 years, it has an extra bedroom, and it is nice. We still don’t have furniture to fill it, but oh well. I love the pond behind the house, listening to the frogs sing their chorus at night, the trees surrounding the neighborhood, and the neighborhood pool.

My schedule is now set so that I go in at 1:00 on Monday (then stay through 9pm), and I have nothing scheduled on Fridays. I have my summers OFF. Can’t complain!

I have never had any major health problems and for the most part, neither has my husband. (Knock on wood!)

So those are some of my blessings.

What would I like to change?? Typical of many women, my weight. I fully understand that models are diabolically thin. I don’t want to look like them, and I have lost the need to look sexy. 🙂  However, I do want to weight less than I do right now, which is more than I’ve weighed ever in my life. I am overweight. Something happens to a woman’s body after she turns 40, 45, 50…. it just gains weight naturally, on its own. It doesn’t ask you about it or give you any warning. You eat the same as you always did, and boom!! 20 lbs. more, 10 lbs. more. At this point I realize that I am engaged in a battle that is never-ending, to the very end of my days. That battle is with my aging body. I have to respect it, keep in tune with it, and go the extra mile (literally) to prevent its disintegration. Bad things will happen if I do not take this battle seriously.

It APPEARS, though I hesitate to believe it’s really true, that I have gone through menopause. At my age, it took TOO LONG. But it appears, that as of this summer, finally, things have stopped, ha ha. YAY, what a final freedom for a woman. I have felt hot flashes, not tremendously, not really all that much, but I definitely have them and know what they are. I describe them as your body catching fire on the inside, and working its way out. They don’t last too long and they are not insufferable. Not painful. You just know they are there.

My back is hurting all the time. When I get up, I have to stretch it out for awhile. I desperately need to walk 2-3 miles a day without fail. I tend to do that once or twice a week. Not enough. My knees now pop occasionally. It was probably 12 yrs. ago that I worked up to running 2 miles. I couldn’t do that now if I wanted to.

I have given up on contacts, after wearing them since I got a pair for my high school graduation. I just don’t care anymore. They were a constant irritation to my eyes. It was just vanity to wear them. However, I am looking forward to a new pair of glasses, which I will pick up at the end of this month. Trying to find a pair that look halfway decent on me. My eyesight, inherited from my dad, is so bad I am basically legally blind. An eye doctor told me, “They are something like 20/2600.” What a person with perfect vision could see 1/2 a mile away, I would need to get 20 ft. away from to see it!! HILARIOUS!! When I take my glasses off, the person in front of me is out of focus. I recognize people by the way they walk, their way of moving their body, their height. When I get into a swimming pool, I can no longer watch any child that is there with me, except that I recognize their general hair color and way that they are moving around in the pool…. SO, I doubt if Lasik will work for me, but I need to find out.

I know myself, know how I learn best, know how I function best. I am a natural introvert. I gain strength and peace of mind when I have time alone. TIME, not just 10 mins. while someone else is upstairs. Real time. Sometimes it takes me an entire day to revamp, and then I am ready once again to go outside my house.

I have very few friends. My women friends are those I met years ago and developed a relationship with. Technology is great, but I really believe it is responsible for people forming somewhat superficial relationships today. We get together on “facebook” and call that friendship. That is not real depth. And it is not sharing face to face, deeply felt feelings. That is another experience, and one that I wonder if “kids today” really know how to develop. I think it is a human need to have that level of bonding. But for me, personally, it is with my husband and my kids. Not many other people.

I can’t stand dogs most of the time. Can’t stand how they smell, how they need to be walked, how their tongues hang out and they pant, how they bark at people. Why is this America’s favorite pet?? I just don’t get it.

But I love cats. They are soft, they don’t bother you, they take care of themselves except for food, they are just pleasant. My husband doesn’t share this appreciation for cats. Since he now works from home and I must leave the home to work, we don’t have one.

I love swimming and water, and don’t care anymore how I look to others in a swimming suit (pretty much), so I just put it on and go in. It is only better for my body anyway, to get a little exercise.

Half of my family is now gone from this world. That is a weird truth. One of my siblings chooses to not have a relationship w/ me which is nothing I can control, the other one I appreciate and see occasionally.

and those are some of my thoughts on this, my birthday.

Posted in aging, various personal musings | 1 Comment »

poetry night / music night

August 13, 2010

My husband has this incredible skill of organizing events and getting people involved in things. His latest kick is poetry. Not only has he started a poetry venue twice/mo., but he holds it in downtown Columbia, he gets professors of English, musicians black & white, people from the Columbia Arts Federation and many others to come. His venue is now booked through November. What are his qualifications? None! Except for this talent of his to organize people to get to events, and a new avid interest in writing and the muse.

This past week I attended my first one. Fourteen different individuals got up and recited or read an original piece of poetry (including myself and him). Two were African American high school students who had won some recognition or contest. There was an upbeat excitement in the air. The bagel shop said it was worth it for him to open his shop and he was pleased. A poet/musician sand and read his featured work. I read my poem in honor of Naylah’s birth, but it was about the waiting time just before she arrived.

Then the next night we attended an informal music venue at a small restaurant. We all sat outside where there were white and colored lights hung around a small stage. People were drinking beer and a faint mj smell at times appeared. The people were relaxed and friendly and everyone had a good time. There was a young teenage band playing when we arrived. Lots of different types of singers played their tunes and a featured local singer played guitar and sang from about 10-11. I always personally feel uncomfortable at these events, because I want to hide from people and it is scary to me, to be in a crowd of people I don’t know at all. That’s just my gut feeling. They were all fine people, I know this about myself, and know that this too shall pass. So I sit and smile, enjoy the music and force myself to interact somewhat. I’d really rather be invisible.

The other thing that bothers me is, these people are all really nice people but they all write “poetry” and sing songs about drinking, smoking and getting in bed with someone. That’s really what it’s all about, that’s what they write about. It just gets tiring after awhile……………… like watching 6 movies and they all had the same theme. Ok, what else are we? What are we really here for? Can we think outside the box of what’s immediately in front of us and tonight’s posibilities, come on. There is more out there folks. We are near 60 years old and some of you are still making jokes about smoking weed. I don’t really know how many nights per week I can do this…… I don’t drink, don’t smoke and don’t really think of getting laid all that often anymore….. and I love life, kids, interaction, walks, my job, and swimming. I just don’t think of getting high like I did when I was 20.

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May 2010

May 1, 2010

May 1st, 2010.

End of Semester, end of school year. Monday is the last day of finals. I will give one on Monday, grade it, and be done for the semester! It is hard to express how happy I am to have the summer(s) off. Never had that before in my entire working life. For many years of grad school, I taught school during the summers for extra money. Before I lived my life according to academics, I had a full time job which only continued through the summer, with maybe one or two weeks off per year. Never had money for vacation anyway.

Today has been a good day. Al, Levin and I went downtown to a Crawfish Festival where “THEY” ate a plate full of bright orange crawfish, by pulling the body apart, getting the meat loose inside, and sucking the head for the spicy juices. That kind of thing has always made me rather sick to my stomach, even though I know in my heart, that killing chickens is just as gross. It’s just that they’re not served with the heads still on, and you don’t suck on their brains for the “juice”. I watched while they ate. I had nachos with cheese, and a corn dog.

Living in the south, one thing for sure, we are spoiled for DELICIOUS and FRESH seafood, ALL the time, everywhere, every day. There are little diners with fresh fish that are only open Thurs.–Sat. nights.

We settled on a new truck for AL today. I am very happy for him. He finally will have his own vehicle (thank God!) and he gets a truck, which he has always wanted since the last one we had, which was back in the late 80s to early 90s? So it will come in about a week. We will have a budget that works, but we will be eating at home a LOT more often.

This summer, I plan to send my book chapters to a publisher, try to get that goal of my life accomplished. Three different publishers have WANTED my book. I have a knack for “hot” topics! Always got into conferences that way, maybe will be published that way. Can’t wait to go into my office and not have to prepare the next class (until next AUGUST), hallelujah.

There’s a lot more, but I will end for now.

“God has created the world as one — the boundaries are marked out by man. God has not divided the lands, but each man has his house and meadow; horses and dogs do not divide the fields into parts. That is why Bahá’u’lláh says: “Let not a man glory in that he loves his country, but that he loves his kind.” All are of one family, one race; all are human beings. Differences as to the partition of lands should not be the cause of separation among the people.

. . . My hope is that the Divine Light may shine here, and that the Heavenly Star of Bahá’u’lláh may strengthen you, so that you may be the cause of the oneness of humanity, that you may help to make the darkness of superstition and prejudice disappear and unite all creeds and nations.

This is a brilliant century. Eyes are now open to the beauty of the oneness of humanity, of love and of brotherhood. The darkness of suppression will disappear and the light of unity will shine. We cannot bring love and unity to pass merely by talking of it. Knowledge is not enough. Wealth, science, education are good, we know: but we must also work and study to bring to maturity the fruit of knowledge.”   (Abdu’l-Baha, Abdu’l-Baha in London, p. 53)

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a softer edge

February 8, 2010

I write when my emotions run high, whether happy, excited, disappointed, stressed, angry. Emotions are my guide through life. I take that as it comes naturally to me. There are certain things you realize about yourself, which have  to do with the way you are made. However, I would like to learn to write with a softer edge.

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the flu

December 22, 2009

I’ve had a flu bug for 2 days solid. I am a person who never gets sick. When I recently talked my colleague into going to get an H1N1 shot with me, it turned out I couldn’t get one, because I was too old and healthy. I hadn’t had cancer, diabetes, or any other condition they listed, and I had no child under 18 living in my home. I told them no, I just see 100+ college students every single day, but that didn’t budge them. So my colleague got the shot and I didn’t. She was 54, I am 56 (over 55).

So it is unusual for me to have this bug. It started with sneezing, then developed into a general all-over achiness, headache, stomach tension & remnants of a cold. In the past couple days, I’ve had plain noodles, plain rice, a bowl of soup & a chicken salad sandwich. It is just weird to be sick. Complication is, we are due to leave for Indiana and Al’s older parents in 2 days. If he gets this, we may be delayed.

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end-of-the-year newsletters

December 15, 2009

What if we were to make an end-of-the-year newsletter, and list all the lessons we had learned that year, through trial by fire. What tests and trials have you been through in the past year? In what ways have you grown in spirit? What have you endured? What are you thankful for?

What has brought you sorrow? What has brought you joy?

In what ways do you feel older? Is your body changing? What have you accomplished? When did you play and laugh with a child? What was that experience like? Did you get a gift from someone? Did you give to someone? What made you angry? In what ways were you kind?

How is your heart and spirit? How did God enrich your life?

Who have you become, in the past year. What is within you, that was not there one year ago.

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weekend and grades due tomorrow

December 13, 2009

Our weekend was spent with one of our 3 super-favorite people in all the world, our grandson. Age 3. He came to Grandma and Grandpa’s for the weekend. We had a busy time. This little boy jumps more than he just walks. Jumping boy, he’s like a Mexican “jumping bean”. Friday night we took him with us to the faculty Xmas dinner. Of course, last year there were a few other small children there, but THIS year, our boy was the only one! We got a few looks, but all in all things went okay. We left when he was on the verge of doing something outrageous, like flipping cheese cake on someone, or letting the air out of the 6-ft-high snow globe . . .

Saturday, Tuba Christmas at 3:00 in a coffeeshop downtown. He was entertained for about a half hour & then I took a walk w/ him outside. The college music dept. played tubas & other horns in a local coffeeshop & the whole local town crowd sang Christmas carols together. Sounds totally like something that would make me bonkers, but there was actually such a warm feeling in the room, it was quite cozy and comfortable.

Sat. night went to feast. It is hard to be here over a year and still be “outsiders”. However, all communities have their oddness about them. We can focus on being of service, let the rest go.

Drove jumpy boy halfway home today, met his parents for lunch, & drove back home in the rain and fog. (Our highs are running up into the 40s this mid-Dec.)

My weekend other than that has been consumed with finding 9 pp. of a 13-page paper plagiarized. I have been distraught over this discovery. Grades due tomorrow. My colleague and I have to deal with this fiasco tomorrow.

So this is my boring, diary-like entry for my blog tonight.

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nothing to say!

November 24, 2009

Lately, I can’t think of anything to say. I guess I have “blogger’s block”. Semester is near end, busy teaching, grading, making finals.

I will say that repairmen came today and fixed our heating in the house. My husband and I had a big argument yesterday over it, I insisted it was not working downstairs, repairmen today had to actually re-do wiring and said it had never been right since the house was built (a few yrs ago). So I’m right, he’s wrong, that’s all I have to say. We now have heat downstairs.

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schedules and time

November 7, 2009

Last evening was spent in Charleston seeing an old friend. Though he and my husband talked for 7 hours and I felt most of the time that my presence was not needed or really part of the gathering, yet it was a good evening.

Tonight we go to see other friends in northwest South Carolina. Tomorrow late afternoon I have another appointment.

I feel such a deep need to have my own time without interruptions and other appointments. 

the weather – end of 1st week of November, highs in the 60s, lows in the high 30s. Our house gets uncomfortably cool but not cold. The sun is still shining. Trees are turning but the colors are not vibrantly bright, like in the north. I long to see BRIGHT reds and leaves the colors of shimmering golds and pumpkin oranges, with many falling to the ground a mixture of all 3. Here, they are just drabbly dark orange and dim red to brown.

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from the ocean of Thy grace, a mist may rise

October 20, 2009

I have seen a mist rise from our pond behind our house, where puffs of clouds or smoke rise up from the water, traveling heavenward. It is a mesmerizing sight, and happens in periods of change, when the air is suddenly cooler or warmer.

This morning I read the verse below, and I had a vision of a pure and sanctified place, where the Holy Ones reside, praying together. It is a place of peace, untouched, and unmoved by the comings and goings and happenings of this world. The verses of God are chanted there at all times, as They pray for us there. As I came even a tad near to it, some of them turned Their heads, and were aware of my presence. All was calm, and peaceful, and Holy. It is nice to think there is such a place.

“in the meadows of truth they are as sweet-singing nightingales . . . Above the horizon of being they shine even as radiant stars . . .Grant, O Thou loving Lord, that all may stand firm and steadfast, shining with everlasting splendor . . . that from the ocean of Thy grace a mist may rise, that the kindly showers of Thy love may bestow freshness, and the zephyr waft its perfume from the rose garden of divine unity.”  –Baha’u’llah, Baha’i prayers for protection.

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