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Enough is enough

July 13, 2024

If anything keeps me up at night

besides worrying about my kids,

it’s worrying I haven’t done enough,

no matter how much I did.

Enough connecting,

making friends,

caring for someone in need,

enough praying,

painting, reading,

texting grandkids,

But who decides, what is enough?

what if I’ve done what I could?

I HAVE done SOMETHING, even if small,

We are not perfect,

we don’t have to do it all,

and I may need to learn

what’s enough relaxation?

enough free time,

for just being me,

staying in tune with my own body

and doing what it needs,

taking more time for other things

— and enough time for SLEEP.

cfblack 7-12-2024

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September 13, 2021

Two hours into sleep

Nerves in my legs tense and twitch

Like a raging fire.

Leg lifts at midnight

Try to get these twitching legs

As tired as I am.

On Sunday night

There are no trucks on the highway

The night is still,

I listen toMy husband’s breathing

As he sleeps and dreams,

No chirping crickets

No singing birds

Or squirrels screeching,

My jumping legs

Tell me I am alive

— the silver lining,

I wonder where

All the cicadas have gone,

They weren’t as loud this year

Or here as long,

There is no rain,

No tree frog songs,

No sirens wailing,

There is only me

On a silent night

As the moon climbs high in the sky.

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66 years

August 20, 2019

I have been on this planet 66 years, as of yesterday. Here are a few things that tell me how much I have experienced and what changes have occurred in those years:

  • When I was a little girl, we had one phone in the house, near the kitchen. I even remember some of our phone numbers. One was HA 31931. Numbers now have 10 numbers to a phone number. Ours had 7.
  • When we wanted to call someone, we would pick up the receiver and listen. If we heard someone else talking, that was the people sharing our “party line” and we had to hang up until they were done, then make our call.
  • I remember when calculators first came out. I was starting college. They were expensive.
  • My first car was a VW bug, original, green, with clutch and shifting gears. I did everything I could do to avoid stopping on a hill. If you shifted and “missed” the next gear, it could just roll backwards into the car behind you.
  • Certainly, there were no computers, no video games. I remember computers coming into peoples’ homes. I remember some kind of HUGE computer being rolled into Purdue libraries. I remember the taking down and dismantling of the card catalog. I took the 3X5 cards with my dad’s Masters thesis and PhD titles.
  • For my 15th birthday, I got a polaroid “Swinger” camera.
  • I used to put curlers in my hair and sleep on them. When I was a little girl, my mom wound my hair into little curls and pinned them to my head with bobby pins. We took them out in the morning.
  • The Beatles came out when I was about 13 yrs. old. I had a huge picture of Paul McCartney on my bedroom wall. For my 15th birthday, my dad took my sister and I to a Beatles LIVE concert at Kennedy stadium. Thunderstorms threatened all evening and John Lennon pointed his guitar toward the clouds and acted like he was shooting at them. I screamed through most of the concert. My dad was so embarrassed, he moved my sister and himself away from me and another girl who decided to scream together for the duration. We bought their music on “record albums”.
  • I was sent home from high school one day when some girls and I decided to wear jeans to school, to protest not being able to wear PANTS. Even in the coldest of winter days.
  • Saturday mornings were the only time we could watch cartoons on TV. We would wake up and camp out in front on the television all morning until lunch-time. The final shows were Sky King and My Friend Flicka.
  • The Wizard of Oz movie came on TV once a year. There were no home movies, no DVDs.
  • I was not allowed to see Cleopatra in the theater because it was too adult.
  • Candy bars were 5 cents. Cokes were 10 cents.
  • In a drugstore down the street, they sold penny candy. One of the candies was in the shape of a baby, we called them “Tar babies”. They used to be called something else.
  • Pres. Kennedy was shot when I was in 5th grade. Our teacher came into the class upset and said he had been shot. A little later she returned, saying, “The President has died,” and we were all sent home.

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Aging

July 20, 2016

I can no longer run,

my knees don’t allow it,

if I ignore them,

heedless,

they knock me down.

Callouses grow in the strangest places,

on the bottom of my toe,

near the ever-larger bunyon

and the curving hammer-toe,

I sometimes stare at my own hands,

with their brown age spots

and rivers of veins,

A walk in the park is exercise,

I enjoy a mile or two.

I want to age,  gracefully,

enjoying the time I’m given,

My experience makes me who I am,

each day a gift from heaven,

My life is ages, and stages of trials,

with twists and turns unforeseen,

The beauty of life is appreciated,

the more age intervenes.

cfblack  7-20-2016  

 

 

 

 

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A.D.D.

May 10, 2015

I have an A.D.D. brain. Not the same as ADHD. Sometimes they go together but not in my case.

This is a controversial and sometimes debated subject, as to whether or not it is a chemical or physical “brain difference”. But I can tell you it exists. Here are some things I’ve learned:

  • I park my car in a similar spot in every parking lot. When I go to ALDIs, I know it will be in one certain row. This is because I tend to forget where I parked it, especially if my thoughts were focused on some issue as I parked & went into the store.
  • Being at a noisy party will drive me insane. Sitting in a bar having a conversation w/ the person next to me while loud music is blaring is impossible for me. This is because all the noises come at me all at once and there is no way to “tune out” any of it. I can listen to the music, but don’t talk to me.
  • Chairperson at a meeting is not the job for me. Looking at an agenda with 20 items on it and trying to pick & choose which are the most important to go over at this particular meeting is, well, my worst nightmare, especially when there are people waiting for me to make a decision. It ALL feels important to me!
  • Everything has its place, such as my keys in my purse or my debit card in the one slot where it belongs. If I forget this, they could be anywhere. If I make an exception even one time, the game is lost. I have no clue where I put it. I have lost at least 3-4 debit cards that I set on the back of the car while pumping gas and DROVE AWAY with it still there. One time my husband & I went back to the car wash we just went through (after pumping gas) & found it—  wet.

That being said, What am I good at? I am good at assessing “the whole picture” of a situation. I get a sense of what is going on in a room…….. and I’m usually right. My intuition is keen and I’ve learned to trust it. I can see the forest, sometimes not the trees.

How this comes across in teaching: I sometimes appear scatter-brained. But in reality, I know exactly where I’m going and where I’m taking the class in this discussion. I sit and ponder over each student & get a sense of who they are, why they are acting the way they are, and what they need. But if 5 students want to see my immediately after class, I can’t think.

I need space. I need not to be rushed or pushed. One on one, I am excellent. With qualitative research, I am excellent. I know where to take an interview, and I can analyze a ton of information and connect all the dots. Because everything is connected, in my brain. I get a general sense of what they meant when they said _________. I see the whole group and what they have in common, & where they differ. Leading a focus group discussion would not be the easiest thing for me. Taking notes I am fine; and analyzing all their comments afterward, seeing the links and patterns, is where I would excel.

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my husband’s presence

March 10, 2014

The older we become,

the more I take comfort in my husband’s presence,

and the more I am aware,

that our friendship and love

is all that will survive of our existence,

and all that we may pass on

to our children and grandchildren.

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I just wanna be Jennifer Hudson

April 13, 2012

I just wanna be Jennifer Hudson

 

I just wanna be Jennifer Hudson

Everyone looking at my FINE body,

50 lbs. less than I used to be

Prancing all around in a peacock strut,

I wanna go out for a 2-mile run

Feeling healthy and full of life,

Feel my lungs take in more and more air,

and Sprint all the way to the end,

In reality, I know how old I am,

I wouldn’t give up the wisdom I’ve gained,

We are always where we are for a reason,

Life is long, with many a season,

But sometimes you wonder,

How did I get here?

And who exactly is that, in the mirror?

You realize life is a precious gift,

You  look back wistfully at days gone past,

The question is not,

How much time do I have?

But more,

How to make each day better — than the last.

CF Black               04-13-2012

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things I’ve learned

February 27, 2011

I’m thinking of writing something about “things I’ve learned” by age 57. It would go something like this:

1. Nothing in life really surprises me anymore. Just about anything can happen, at any time. The lesson in this is to never take life for granted, to appreciate each day, and to take life as it comes. What matters is your response to those inevitable things that happen to you and those you love.

2. Bad things happen to good people. All the time, every day. I do believe in karma, but it may not be resolved in this world, and it only goes so far. You could do nice things for people all your life long, & still be treated unfairly. Even so, you should do nice things for people. It makes a difference in their lives. And God knows all.

3. Live your life in honesty and always do your best. Some people will always think you are not as honest as you are, because they are dishonest themselves and will treat you with suspicion. Others will think you are trying to prove you are better than they are. It doesn’t matter what they think. Do your best and move forward.

4. When you live honestly and sincerely, the truth often comes out eventually. People who treated you badly in the past show up years later, and apologize. This has happened to my husband and I many times. We have been through some pretty hard times and have been severely wronged, many times. The truth often comes out. See no.1.

5. Personal integrity matters. Over many years’ time, your integrity is the thing that people remember. It has to be consistent, and you do become known for it.

6. Health matters. The older you get, the more you have to be willing to fight for it. Nature is not kind, and once you go past a certain age, it’s a battle that is impossible to WIN. All you can do is fight it off for as long as possible. Focus on health, because of no.7.

7. Beauty fades. It just does. There isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. See no.6.

8. Your life partner and lover is your one and only true friend. As you get older, the friend part becomes more and more important than the lover part.

9. Never, ever take any relationship for granted. Every love relationship, be it friend, partner, or parent/child, needs CONSTANT work. Work at communicating, and listening. Never take their caring for granted. Be willing to give them the time they need. Do things together, reconnect. Be open and honest about how you feel. Let the little things go.

10. Spend time with your kids when they are little. As they get older, they will then want to spend time with you. Nothing else matters more in life, not one thing. Time is your greatest gift. Trying to explain why you had to be somewhere else is NEVER a substitute for just BEING THERE when they needed you.

11. Age 14-15 does pass. By the time they hit 21-22, you are once again their friend.

12. Grandkids are the best thing in the world. Visit them often.

13. Some people will hate you, despise you or just plain not like you. There is nothing you can do about this either. Know yourself and develop your best intuitive talents. Your personality will clash with some other types and it has nothing to do with anything you did wrong. Try to see what you can learn from them. Don’t expect them to like you.

14. You will fail at some things. You will mess up. We’re all human.

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Nov.14

November 15, 2010

Figured budget, paid bills, payday tomorrow, bought groceries, decided we don’t have the money to go home to Indiana for both Thanksgiving and Xmas. I am very bummed about it. This is the longest we’ve been away from Raven & Caspian, probably ever. It is really difficult not to see them. And they think we are coming. They will have to wait until December. But one main goal for us now is to make our budget work. We have to. And that is a primary responsibility we need to fufill, for ourselves but also for our kids.

We are planning to have a meal w/ the family in Raleigh, which is WONDERFUL, it’s just that we’ve never missed a Thanksgiving “back home”.

Went back to the diabetic cookbook tonight. Neither of us are diabetic but it’s a good diet. made “Hungarian chicken paprikash” which is a fancy name for chicken & noodles with paprika.

My son may take a job in northern North Dakota. Right now their HIGHS are in the 30s and lows in the 9s…. like 9 degrees. They are having light snow every day this week. I would’ve said, “Nope, not that one!” but he wants a job. He will feel really good if he secures this job in his field of journalism. He will write for their local paper and cover all high school sports, for some random middle-to-small size city about an hour from the Canadian border.

I think I have mild depression due to menopause. Not that I’m depressed about MENOPAUSE — I waited for it long enough! But it just goes with the territory. There is no rhyme or reason to it, I’ve just been noticing “it just is”. It’s hard to explain to someone who does not experience such things, like a husband maybe. It may be the highest show of my character to go forward every day, while feeling this way. It is mild, after all, but something that such an outsider may feel “shouldn’t be there” or “should be overcome”. I am different, I like to feel what’s there, embrace it and observe it. But I’m thinking of getting some mild meds, for the 1st time in my life.

Still trying to think of some majorly fun thing to do in class tomorrow….! haven’t hit on anything yet….. Heaven forbid, the last full week of class could be B-O-R-I-N-G…! Aaaah, what a tragedy. Will they survive it?

My children’s class at Grant Homes this week will be about “cleanliness” and I think we’ll try to make soap! Sounds like an adventure. I need to find a little story or children’s book about cleanliness. I’m thinking of bringing a blow-up picture of some lovely germs.

*peace out*

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my husband and I are an inspiration?

October 1, 2010

In different ways, a number of people recently have relayed to me that they see my husband and I as an inspiration. This leaves me feeling very odd.

For the most part, it makes me feel ancient. How the heck can I be part of an “inspiration”? It makes me feel like someone who just got recognized as someone else. (There must be some mistake.)

On the other hand, we ARE ancient. And we are an anomaly. We were married by ages 18 & 19. My husband needed his father’s permission to get married at that age in our home state. And that was 38 years ago. We’re still married. (MY GOD!!) I hardly know anyone else who has been married as long as we have. It is amazing, people say, but mostly, it’s just something that happened to us. We don’t have the perfect marriage, we had a very difficult marriage, actually, but somehow we made it through all those years to today. Still together. It becomes tiring that people find that so amazing. There is nothing that special about us.

We had 4 kids, had a lot of difficulty coming together on decisions to raise them, made a lot of mistakes but somehow by a miracle of God, they all made it to adulthood. They all get along, no one  bombed out on drugs, and they’re all still here, contributing to society. In reality, this makes it a lot easier for us to get along and be at peace and satisfied in our older, middle age. We can take a sigh of relief now, and be happy, enjoy our grandkids, CELEBRATE, for crying outloud! Glory hallelujah, 4 kids and they all have a freakin’ college degree!

It is rather weird to be considered an inspiration. But I am learning that you can become this by default, if you survive long enough.

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