Tuesday 4-21
Today was my “day off”. I had the most festive First Day of Ridvan that I’ve ever had. All day long party and Persian food. First, Farah served us Persian food for lunch. Then we went to the Baha’I Center, where half if not MOST of the program was in Farsi. Then more Persian food. Then, we went to the Persian party, where an individual family hosted a HUGE gathering for the Holy Day. It was AMAZING. So much fun. They chanted prayers, old women, little young children, and youth. They announced the coming of Baha’u’llah to the crowd. Then there was music, Persian drumming and singing, and of course, a HUGE cookout and Persian food dinner. Tables of fruit and cucumbers, strawberries, grapes, oranges. Kabob, rice piled high, salads, parsley and other greens, lemon-lime juice, hot tea. At times, a group would break into some Persian song and click their fingers, and clap, totally enjoying themselves. There were a few very older women with their heads covered in a scarf, but for the most part, Persian women are the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen, and they all dress is colorful, gorgeous outfits, high heels and make up. There were a few Americans, and 2 elderly men, one who looked Hawaiian and one Chinese. After eating, some people started Persian dancing. It is all very fast, and easy to get into. There are no certain rules, you just move to the music. The women tend to stretch out their arms and wave their hands around in circles in an elegant-type of movement. They also sometimes shake their shoulders or move their hips (but not like in African-style dancing). The men move around also, sometimes jumping, turning around, or occasionally taking a scarf and moving it to the left and right, behind their necks, with arms outstretched. Farah and her friend were not dancing, though Jamal was itching to get into it, but suddenly, for the last couple dances, they all got up and pulled me with them. We all danced in the group for just a few minutes, then sat back down. It was great fun.
Wednesday 4-22
Today was so different from any others, since I have been here. It is nearly 9pm in San Diego, nearly midnight at home. This morning, we left Jamal and Farah’s and went straight to “Marilyn Cristian’s Independent Living” facility in National City, where Dan’s belongings had been left behind. Dan spent something like 3 months in this facility. It is actually in a house, in a neighborhood. It is a privately-run temporary living facility for indigent people. It was a lovely place, bright, lots of sunlight, clean, airy. There were 2 women there who were residents. I met Veronica, who talked about Dan and asked about his condition. She is actually Asian. (Sue had said she was very hard to understand and thought she was Hispanic.) Her accent is thick. Easier to understand her in person. The things that she told me about Dan’s stay there were that Dan could never follow the rules. She would tell him, “Your lunch is ready,” and he would reply that he didn’t want it. She said he would then sometimes sneak the lunch tray into his room and she would find it later. Dan could never go by a schedule his entire life, especially when someone else made the schedule and was telling him to follow it. She said he would sometimes say “Bullshit,” when she would tell him something. Dan walked out of this place a couple times, without permission and without warning. After Dan returned from one of these “outings,” he suddenly spit up blood all over his carpeted room, and that’s how he left there and ended up at the hospital. She once reported him to “missing persons”. She seemed like a very nice, caring person. I thanked her for her help for Dan while he was there. She asked how he was doing. I told her he was not expected to live long now. I told her alcohol destroys people’s brains, so they cannot think right. He had 2 bottles he had left inside the bag when he last returned there. She had dumped them down the drain after we told her to do that.
I had to sign and leave a note that I had picked up all of Dan’s belongings, including some government checks. We left there and I took all of Dan’s stuff to the Community Convalescent Center. On the way there, I had a long phone conversation with Susan, the social worker with Sharp hospice program, telling her about the govt. checks that were in Dan’s bag, told her of our fear that he might get his hands on any cash and call a taxi to leave the Center. I asked her if we could set up an account in Dan’s name, with these checks. She spent a long time telling me she didn’t think so. I also talked to her about getting my name, or all 3 of our names (me, Sue, Jim) on a list, rather than Sue being the sole contact person, because when I first called the Hospice program, they said they couldn’t tell me anything because my name was not on a list as a contact person. She said that had been a mistake, and I should be able to call since I was in town. I gave her Jim’s phone number.
When I got to Community, I asked to have a room where I could go thru Dan’s belongings before seeing him, because once I saw him, he would want it all. I wanted to check completely for his glasses, and just see what was in there. So this is a list of all of my brother’s possessions in this world, at the time of his passing:
• Social security and disability checks from the govt. totaling $1800.
• Some medicines in a bag which came from a La Mesa pharmacy. The medications he was taking were: Aldactone (25 mg), Spiranolactone (25 mg), Lasix and Furosemide. The rest were multi-vitamins and folic acid.
• One pair of light brown sz.10 shoes and one pair of sandals (I asked Dan later if they were his sandals, and he said, “Those are slippers.”
• One blue jacket marked “Jerry’s Rogue Jets, Gold Beach, Oregon”
• A cassette player with one tape in it which says Red Hot Chili Peppers, Ozzy Osbourne, & Tommy Lee, with earphones
• 2 disposable razors
• A collection of colored pencils with a pencil sharpener
• Scissors
• A small flashlight
• A tube of Duco cement,
• Footies,
• Nail clippers
• A red pen
• Sleeping bag
• And a notebook with lots of empty pages in it but some lists of things he had written
• His birth certificate
• His social security number written on a letter from Social Security
• And his government checks, left uncashed since last Feb.
His pages of lists, included one page with a list of colors, simply different colors with elaborate names (not just “red” “blue”).
Another list had references to the game of chess. It went like this:
“Knight of the Outdoors” (probably a reference to himself)
1. Jumping ahead of pawns
2. Your armor, shield and sword
3. Finding your campsite
4. Guarding by the Bishops
5. Artwork: the Release
6. Finding a Place to Hide
7. Capturing your Queen
8. Guarding by the Rooks
9. Claiming your Kingdom
Another had the heading “Paintings” at the top and went like this:
“Paintings”
Abstract
Biochecmical Glory
Celestian City
Dragon
Entrance to the City of the Heart
Hidden Word # 7
Icon Star
Kaibab Forest
Magic Pumpkin
New Planet
Ocean Landscape
Portrait of a Pledian
Red Star landscape
Serpens Nebula
The Mother Ship
Vortex
Watchshell of Knowledge
Yellowstone Snowfall
(I picture this list as either painting he had seen and liked, OR paintings that he hoped to paint someday. The references to Hidden Words is a book of Baha’u’llah. The City of the Heart is also a reference to the Baha’I Writings, so I know that it was a part of him.)
He had started another list which was about time. Dan always had a majorly complex plan for some kind of calendar that would revolve around in circles, with colors and shapes that meant different things, and only he understood it. I have no doubt that it all made sense somehow and was intricate and complex in design.
There was a page list of all the Baha’i months, which are attributes of God: Splendor, Glory, Beauty, etc.
He also had a tiny notebook with names and addresses of places, social security offices, personal contacts, family phone numbers. On one page of this notebook was a note to himself: “Liver Transplant – UC Hospital”. This means that he was aware that he needed a liver transplant or he was going to die.
After going through all this and waiting for the social worker at Community to find me, I gave up on her and just took the stuff into Dan’s room. They told me he was much worse today. He was in bed and on oxygen. (déjà vu from our mom) When I entered the room, he immediately knew me and totally surprised me by putting out his arms for a hug. I was shocked! So I went over and leaned into him, and he just held me there for a few seconds. He said, “Oh, I didn’t think you were going to find me again.” He was really surprised I had returned, said things like, “I thought you didn’t know where I was.” I told him, “No, I just couldn’t get here yesterday,” and he said, “I thought it would be something simple like that.”
His lunch food tray was there. He didn’t want any of it. He did want a drink. I gave him one bite of mashed potatoes. He was in such a state today that he couldn’t hardly manage to get even one bite by himself. He took one drink of water, but different from 2 days ago, didn’t even ask for that more than a couple times. Eventually, he did ask about his “case” by which he meant his book bag. He was really amazed that I managed to pick it all up. I started showing him all of it. He was surprised and said so. “Huh, I’m so surprised you managed that. I didn’t think you would,” and so on. Something was heavy on his mind, and I’m sure it was the money inside of it he was looking for. But every time he started to try to work with the bag, he would stop and be asleep again. He was also on morphine. I just kept telling him, “It’s all there Dan, it’s okay, it’s safe.” I think he kind of got that, and eventually he gave up on the search. I started to say something about him not needing it right now, and he started to respond, “Now, don’t start saying that, that just makes it all seem impossible.” You can say 1 thing for Dan, he had the strongest will of anyone I’ve ever known. How the hell he survived this long, in his living circumstances, boggles the mind beyond what is humanly possible. To the end, he was dreaming of making his escape. His escape is coming, but not in the manner he suspected.
He looked at me and something in him wanted to say, “Yeah, I’m basically a nice guy. And they know that here, they all know that.” It was almost like he had a concern to be remembered as a nice guy. He also said, “I hope I did that right,” and I had the feeling that he felt he was supposed to get all this stuff here, and now he had accomplished doing that, and was relieved.
The rest of the time today, he was asleep. Snoring. The food lady came in to ask what he wanted for dinner. She realized what was going on and said, “This is the part of this job that I hate.” She was rather upset. She told me she brought her own mother to the facility for 4 mos., & she had died there.
At some point I went upstairs to find the business office. We could set up an account with Dan’s checks, in Dan’s name. Theoretically, if he got well, it was his money to take with him. It was basically a bank account in his name. In our case, she can even pay Dan’s cremation arrangements with Dan’s own money, which amounted to only $781. Total, so we planned to do that. I think that the state was supposedly going to pay for his final arrangements, as a “Medical patient” but they said if they find out Dan had family, they will hound you for the money, so if Dan can pay for it from his own account, in advance, that settles it and no one will come after us for any of the money. This only makes sense, as it is Dan’s money that won’t be used for any other purpose. So, she wanted me to get Dan to possibly sign for the account and sign all his checks. I didn’t know if this could be done. I went back to his room, he was totally sound asleep. I even tried waking him, to no avail. Decided to go back upstairs and say look, can you just do this? He is incapable of doing it, ran into the Community social worker, she called the Business Office and confirmed this situation, and they finally set it up FOR HIM. I signed a paper in Dan’s name to okay opening the account. I also signed a paper to send his social security checks to this place, even though I said he probably won’t get another one while still alive.
I left him asleep, leaving a note in big print, that I had his checks and NOT TO WORRY, they were saved FOR HIM – just in case he woke up, because that is the first thing he would ask about if he did.
Nurses confirmed for me that he was failing really fast. I said, “Do you think it could even be tomorrow?” and she said YES, it seems like he is going to go really fast.
I talked to Jim today, Sue did not answer her phone so I left her a message. Strangely enough, through going through this whole process, even though relations are the pits between us all, I have felt a feeling pulling us all together, as one family. Even if we never speak to each other again (which I doubt), no matter what else we are, or how we feel, we are this one family, united by blood, united by our parents. No one else was born from our two parents, only us. We are united by that reality, no matter what.
Two days ago, Dan mentioned our Grandpa Plantenga. I feel that probably they are some of the ones to welcome Dan on the other side, to a new life beyond this one. I can see certain signs that he was, in his own way, preparing to leave. He knew all this week that he had family. He said to me, “We’re going to have to exchange addresses,” which is funny because he doesn’t have one. He wanted that connection.
I also had a somewhat of a sense tonight, of missing Dan’s presence in this world – just that sense of eternity, a person leaving this world forever, and wondering what mark they left behind them, who would miss them, what had they done to leave any effect, or ripple in the waters?
Tonight, I pray for him to give up the fight to stay in this world. I pray for him to go toward those he catches glimpses of, in the next world. I pray for his forgiveness. I pray for his safe travel. I am going to say some prayers now for his journey to be swift, painless, and smooth. His remains are to be cremated, his ashes scattered in the ocean waters.
I have always felt a certain open connection between this world and the next. There are souls near us, at all times. I have had strong thoughts, feelings, this week, from our Grandma Mary Agnew, somewhat from our Grandma Plantenga. I don’t see “ghosts”, it is simply an awareness that there are souls who await us and are near us at all times. There is something of a connection. We cannot understand it all in this world. There is something of a welcoming when we cross over, from those we have known and loved.
Jamal and Farah took me to a glorious spot on the rocks way above the ocean tonight. I took a short panoramic video. The coast is unbelievably beautiful here, different from the Atlantic in all respects. I am near Mexico, here. The tropics are indescribable in their beauty. There are no words. Every tree is tropical, and has its own flowers for blooms. It is incredible. We then went to a coffeehouse, where there was a fire burning outside in a fireplace of rocks, and sat by the fire to drink our coffee. This place is amazing.