This is Al; Carol called again and said her brother, Dan, has taken a turn for the worse and the nurse told her he might not make it through the night. He is unconcious, under heavy sedation and using oxygen to breathe.
She asked for prayers for his suffering and to assist on his flight to the kingdom of God.
Wanted to write a brief account of my trolley ride. From the airport, you get on a shuttle bus which takes you right into downtown San Diego. You see the ocean harbor, ships, as well. Trolleys are bright red. I bought a $5.00 day pass. This pass lets you ride any bus or trolley for 1 day. Better than a $50. taxi drive to the hospital.
I have always found it an adventure to take trolleys or public transit in a big city. Not too hard to figure out. Each big city area is different and I like to see it. In San Diego, the trolleys and everything, really, is absolutely clean and beautiful (unlike Chicago). There are always characters on public transporation, but you just have to be aware, and be careful. There was a woman who went to sit on the stairs of the trolley instead of a seat. There was another man talking to himself. But all in all, it’s fine.
The trolley ride was about 40 mins, from downtown to the hospital area. We went thru largely Hispanic neighborhoods. Saw one area which seemed more highly African American. But California is more Asian and especially Hispanic than black OR white. That’s California. I’ve heard Spanish spoken in most stores and businesses I’ve been in, McDonalds, the airport, and Chinese, Korean, other languages being spoken. Jamal M. tells me there are about 30 Persian tv stations….?? They love it here. — So at 1 trolley stop, I saw a couple talking w/ a police officer. They were a young couple, but the cop waS on his radio and calling for back up. Another black cop walked up to assist. The couple was being calm and talking nicely, but they were shaking their heads. I wonder what they were in trouble for? But I know they were about to be arrested. In another area, an older Hispanic lady got in and sat facing me, and started speaking Spanish expecting me to answer. The lady behind me then answered her and she just looked at me, as if to say, “Oh.” Later, she moved across the aisle from me. Interesting interactions. I really enjoy watching that. That’s why I’m in sociology.
The scenery is so breathtaking. Very different once again. Well this is all for now. Tonight I am going w/ my friends to a celebration at the San Diego Bahai Center. I hope I’m not too much of a pain for them. They are helping me a lot. I don’t know if I’ll be online again this trip.
Monday.
New post. While I am on here briefly, at Panera. This may be my last time online until I get home. It has not worked out to be online while in San Diego, for various reasons.
So many thoughts, but I wanted to write a short post for today’s visit w/ Dan. My brother was moved last night to a Convalescent Center near the hospital, basically a nursing home. HOWEVER, today he was alive and well, and (excuse me) bitching the whole time I was there. He was persistent, wanting his way, mad to be “stuck” in the nursing home, complaining about the noise (which has has done his whole life), and upset w/me that I would not take him out of there. He wanted to leave, even tried to get up out of his wheel chair and walk out. They are really going to have a time with him. It was not a pleasant day, it was a terribly difficult day to be there. He has the later stages of liver disease. We thought he was dying, that is why I came out here. He is, but it is impossible to say how long this process will take. Yesterday, he could barely speak without spitting up. Today he was ready to cuss everyone out for not getting his way.
The lifestyle he has led, has had one consistency: he does whatever the hell he wants to, when he wants to. He never stayed in any program we ever sent him to. He would leave this one now, if he was at all able to walk down the street, which he is not. But he wants me to go get the “stuff” that he left at another facility (which is true), because there is money in his book bag there, (actually there are 2 govt. checks, social security and disability), so he can call a cab and get out of this place. Meanwhile, the man is sitting there in an incontinence pad and barely able to stand.
The hospice nurse was REALLY, really good in talking to him. She calmed him down, convinced him he was responsible for himself and could make his own decisions, but urged him to stay where he was to get the CARE he NEEDED, “for now”. Another thing to say quickly is that Community Convalescent has this wonderful garden area, outside, where he can go sit for as long as he wants. Unfortunately he is not able to move his wheelchair out there like some of the people can, so he has to get someone to TAKE him out there. But there are flowers, birds, tables to sit at, trees to sit under. It is really nice. He likes being in the HOT weather, he says that is what he is used to (which he is).
So I sat w/ him out there for quite awhile and got him 2 vanilla ice creams while we sat there. He was constantly asking for something. Yesterday it was water. They have to give him thickened water because regular water gets into his lungs somehow. He knows the stuff (thickened water) and of course, complains about that. they bring him thickened milk, which we call a milkshake, so he likes that. Today it was ice cream. I got him 2 vanilla cups. He downed them and kept complaining he wanted ice cream out of the machine. Well the truth is, there IS a machine on the garden area that has ice cream. His lunch was ready and I was supposed to take him inside, but he was crabbing about getting real ice cream. So finally I said the hell with it, and got him a drumstick. What the heck. He loved it. He said, “Oh I forgot how good these things are.”
So sometimes he accepts things, especially when he gets his way a little bit, and feels like he made a deal and got something he wanted. He keeps talking about going to Tucson, & was complaining today that I would not take him there. He was going to get himself a cab and go there. I said, Dan, a cab will not drive you from San Diego to Tucson. “Well why not?” I said because it is too far. “Well I’ll take a bus. Are you telling me I am not capable of getting on a bus?” I said, No you’re not. He did not accept that well. But what he does is finally give up on something, if he can get his way just a tiny bit with something else (like getting his ice cream cone).
When I left, he was upset because he was not going with me. He told me yesterday, the one thing he’s always had is his freedom. Well that’s true, but his body is in this condition because of all the “freedom” he had. He would love nothing better than to get out and sleep in a park again, having his “freedom” and that’s what he wants now. He said today that he cannot deal with rules and games. “Theyre’ playing rules and games, rules and games.” Well, tha’ts true too, Dan never wanted to follow the rules. And never did. Now his health is such that he is in a nursing facility. They have schedules. They have rules.
The hospice nurse told him today that he has a prognosis of 6 mos. or less. (She said that to soften the blow.) It was her responsibility for today to tell him he is terminally ill. He somewhat understood. She said, “Did you know that?” He replied, “Not exactly to that extent, no, I never did.”
So this week is not what I expected it to be, in many ways. The ideal is that I would say prayers and assist my brother’s flight to the next world, be able to help him to cross over, think about his life and go on to other worlds of God. Life doesn’t always work out to the “ideal”. It is what it is. He is what he is. It is very hard for me to think of leaving him here, in this condition, to last what, another week? 2 at the most? It is very disconcerting. I don’t have time to process all that is being experienced, and soon will be on a plane returning home to South Carolina. If I could, I’d fly him back to South Carolina and have him in hospice care there. Be able to visit and be there. That is truly what he needs. But that feels totally impossible. I hate for anyone to be alone at the time of death, when they have family. but I am glad to have come here and at least fostered somewhat of a relationship, with a lost soul. My brother. So this is Monday. We will see what happens in a few more days. it is day to day. As ‘Abdu’l-Baha said, “Kam kam, ruz bi ruz,” Little by little, day by day.
I pray to have the strength to do what I can, and to know what I do not need to do, or cannot do. It is very difficult.
I have to write this quickly because dinner awaits, at my friends’ house. It is 85 degrees and sunny. 🙂 Kids are swimming outside in a swimming pool.
this afternoon, I was able to say prayers with Dan. I asked him if I could say a prayer. He said, “Sure! Go ahead.” So I read him the healing prayer. During this short prayer, he fell asleep. He goes in and out. So I just kept going and read about 3 more prayers. I was very happy to do this for him. Then I left a few prayer cards for the nurses, Blessed is the Spot, and “O God refresh and gladden my spirit.” Honestly, I do not feel that Dan is in a state to say anything about his beliefs. He is very happy to have me there, asked for me today before I got there, and it just reassures him. He knows he has family. I asked him today, “Who are your best friends, Dan?” and he said, “I don’t have any.” He is not in a state to say things that he doesnt’ mean. Everything he says is for real. This is a blessing.
Quickly, I also managed today to get him out in the sunlight. We sat in a garden terrace with him in a wheel chair for a good hour. He keeps complaining of being cold, so it was great for him to be out in the sun and he loved it. But during the hour, he slept some, and spit up so badly that it came out his nose. It is really nasty stuff, the end of this disease. To be there, it has been a good thing. I know my presence reassures him. Like Leah said, my mom and dad would be glad he had some company. Nice it worked out.
I was just reviewing these postings, and found that this entry has disappeared?? Our first visit?? How did this disappear? I don’t know. It is now one year later. I will have to re-write this one.
This is my journal of my visit to see my older brother for the 1st time in 23 years. It will prove to be an emotional journey, no matter how it goes.
I write from the San Diego airport. The first thing that hit me about San Diego is : Asians. Soon as I left the plane, Asian people all over. This is even more noticeable to me since moving to South Carolina, because they are practically non-existent there. I really miss more international diversity.
Soon I will travel to visit my older brother, who is here sick, and who I have not seen in 23 years. This post is actually written while sitting on the floor near baggage claim, because believe it or not, I cannot find a table with an electric outlet near it. My laptop runs out of power very quickly.
First of all, a word about the flight(s). First one on a very small plane flew from Columbia to Washington DC. Sat next to a man who talked most of the 1-hour flight. His daughter just graduated from boot camp and he was so proud. She nearly got the award for best in physical fitness, and would have won, beating many of the guys, were it not that she didn’t quite do some of her 85 push-ups exactly right, so they only counted 77. With 80, she would have won. His daughter is stocky and strong. She has a college degree and also took calculus and aced it without attending class. His son, on the other hand, had ADD, quit high school and got his GED and now works as a chef. The man himself is divorced, lives with his mother and cares for her, moved to DC from California in order to do so, likes buying technological gadgets, just bought an $800. camera but really wants the one that was $1200., and also has some sort of fancy mower which cost him a couple thousand. He has been working on his credit rating recently, has a couple credit cards now, and was impressed that the camera store gave him a $500. credit card (so he could purchase the $800. digital 35mm camera). He hasn’t been to a doctor in 25 years and thinks people are silly for getting stints and such put in, because the human body will grow new veins and arteries to bypass blockage, if we only let it. He also reads novels and likes ones about law and politics.
It always amazed me what people tell you on a plane trip. The 2nd trip was nearly 5 hours long and I sat in the middle of 2 women, neither of whom was interested in talking. We sat right ON the wing so I couldn’t see a thing, especially since the lady at the window would lean forward, reading her book. I DID, however, catch some glances of some magnificent desert land and canyons, which looked like the Grand Canyon but I don’t think it was. Some other state or national park. It was magnificent. Also saw mountains when closer to CA.
Regarding the 2nd flight, since it was a 757 it was quite different. Huge. They tell you the same details every single flight about how to wear the oxygen mask, but they don’t tell you what you need to know. Where are the headphones for the movie? How do you move your seat back? Where are the bathrooms? (This one had 2.) What do they mean by “channels”? English is channel 1, listen to the captain and speak to him (how??) on channel 9.
To top it off, I checked my bag when entering the plane as I usually do. At the end of the flight, instead of bringing it to the plane (like they do on smaller flights) they just send it to baggage claim. So I had to go down there and pick it up.
Okay. Enough about that. I am going to see my brother, Dan. He is 8 yrs older than me and we were never close. I will write more later about our relationship, but for now, I am out here because he was (is?) supposedly dying, and I haven’t seen him in 23 years. This will be a strange trip, no matter what happens. I am going to get up from here and arrange to go see him. First I have to see WHERE he is, hospital or hospice, and then get there, see how he is. I have no idea if he can talk, if he will know me, or what the situation is. He was dying, then they call and say he was having a “rebound” and it could be weeks, rather than hours or days. You can never get anything out of medical personnel that makes any sense whatsoever.
I feel so awkward, it is very difficult. I have no idea if he realizes his condition, if he is breathing uneasily and in pain, OR if he is arguing with them about leaving the facility. This rebound is temporary, we know that. We just don’t know if it’s a day or 2, or a week or 2.
My brother is mentally ill, addicted to various substances, and dying of alcholism. Cirrhosis of the liver. Last stages. It is final, and the last stages are not pretty, is what we have been told. Dan has been homeless for the last 2o years. Also, part of our history is that I was not his favorite sister. I was the clumsy one, and not the pretty one. Our relationship was never good, so this visit will be whatever it ends up to be. But I will know that I did my part, and that is all I can do. All I am responsible for. So here goes nothing.
Doctor Grandma 